#ChrisBrownPickupLines if you like Beats By Dre you're going looove beats by Chris.

The hardest part about being black is deciding what stereotypes to live up to. And remembering not to step on my penis.

So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we're still in the top 10.

"imma let yall finish but Michael Jackson had the greatest moon walk of all time" - Kanye at Neil Armstrong's memorial

Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL Draft thing...

1. Chillin' out
2. Maxin'
3. Relaxin,
4. All Cool
(Settings on my Fresh Prince of Bel Air Conditioner)

Thanks to Jason Collins and Dumbledore now there's two really cool gay wizards.

.@taylorswift13 time to try black guys. Just sayin.

Obama's reaction when he heard Romney is picking Paul Ryan for VP... http://t.co/lFJWGy2x

It's not delivery, it's BERGOGLIO! #NewPope

Just whispered to a 6 yr old "I can eat cookies whenever the fuck I want" when his mom wasn't looking. Small victories in life.

Sad news: Joe Paterno has cancer. Sadder news: his doctor knew in 2001.

Chris Brown faked his community service record? Jeez, now he's trying to beat the system.

White guys saying the N word in front of large Black guys without running away. #RejectedOlympicEvents

"Nothing, I'm fine" - Women before they murder you

Chris Christie only vetoed the NJ marriage bill because it didn't come with fries and a drink. #NJEquality

I'm opening a restaurant called "It doesn't matter, whatever you want" since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

Tune in next week when Bi-Curiousity lands on Uranus!! #NASA

Holy shit. I just got hired on Daily Show by Jon Stewart himself. Completely numb right now.

The last time an old man fucked a young boy that bad he coached at Penn State. #VPdebate