My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it's Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

Cop: Whose Marijuana is this Ma'am?

Grandma: Well, since you're holding it, it must be yours motherfucker.

Life is like Hamburger Helper. It sucks, but we get high and think it's awesome.

In 1999 my 3 yr old threw a fit because I wouldn’t let him change his name to “Tinky Winky”. Now that he’s 16 and a dick, I wish I would’ve.

If I a had a nickel for every time my Mom changed Boyfriends, I would put them all in a sock and beat her whore ass with them.

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I unfriend Grandma on Facebook just to get a bunch of bullshit started.

Grandma broke the Wii controller this morning when "Reefer" was not the correct Family Fued answer to "Things you put in plastic bags."

It’s so funny when the new guy in the bar dedicates a karaoke song to the whore we’ve all banged.

When you wake up outside naked on a slip&slide at 6 a.m., somewhere along the line you must have zigged where you shoulda zagged.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

"YOU'RE THE BEST UNCLE EVER!" My 9 yr old niece when she saw me sitting on the curb at 7am and thought I was there to see her off to school.

Grandma: Let's read the Bible!

Me: Do what?

Grandma: Now that I've got your attention, pass that joint you silly fucker.

Trying to get laid by a slobbering drunk chick is like getting ketchup from a Drive-Thru. You assume it's in the bag, but it seldom is.

There's nothing like pressure washing a Taco Bell parking lot at 7:00 am to remind you that you'll never date a Super Model.

Three things I love:

1. A first kiss

2. Making love on a beach

3. Grandma in a robe yelling, “Fuck you Barbara! Those are MY flamingos!”

A true Hero often overlooked is the Spouse of a Veteran, who comfort them in the middle of the night when they wake terrified and screaming.

I'm a man. If you disrespect my lady I'll sprint through a yard full of boards and rusty nails, barefooted, just to stomp your coward ass.

Walking into a jail cell is like walking into a car dealership. The first dude you meet seems cool, but really, he just wants to fuck you.

The gay Pharmacist at CVS has the hots for me. My heterosexuality and my pain pill addiction are in a huge tug of war right now.

Now that I'm sober, the fact Grandma actually HAD a rubber when I burst into her room and asked her for one last night is pretty disturbing.