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  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it's Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

    • 2,810
    • FAVS
    curlyrachbootyKVRunsMrsChattellhaykshanadam_bibiNIKKIDIAMONDS80dru0887life_goes_on76
    • 1,970
    • RETWEETS
    mav3yhaykshanNIKKIDIAMONDS80dru0887spiraled_awaymichaelw526fuzzlimegreggorrio___
    JasonLastnamelawyerthoughtsCaseyMcCollumStellacopterSashaBrennerExploringUrMind__iAmDelFreakyShuRa____MELULUTheRealLobot______HormonellaPortRooster__thedailymarkerPaulyPeligrosoDoucheMcBaggusImaFlyontheWallTheFearBoners____SoapyJohnsonStexcyzachreinert03CandyWarholeSteelFontanaLaughingLesbianGeneralGreviousjosephthomasrachiecandiceNot_From_TroyPaul_Rego________skitzoetteKimpulsesKim_pulsiveAmyVansantAllTheUglyTruth_odlanyeRMaxxxNYC__________MajorDickDanger__MisterSnuggl3schristinatheleeTheAdlyCajunKuzin________FunnyInMyHeadImKevinito________
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Cop: Whose Marijuana is this Ma'am?

    Grandma: Well, since you're holding it, it must be yours motherfucker.

    • 1,457
    • FAVS
    dru0887life_goes_on76baliska2iTwitFunshkeeberwashere__anja_drischTheChickWithTheinikoblue
    • 612
    • RETWEETS
    JburkeunlimitedEllani_BelleLegalize_tWEED6JaeMar68CommndrAlxanderMarcusOreally__Illiter8__________AkaCorbinDallas__
    kevnastoTry_Aand_CiCarmel_ColemanGinlicker________notfaizzyClintMartianIts_that_guy_Jpinapl
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Life is like Hamburger Helper. It sucks, but we get high and think it's awesome.

    • 1,264
    • FAVS
    dru0887OhHell_Cherryangrybirds5150life_goes_on76baliska2jessy_hrdlickamelibuffshkeeberwashere__
    • 539
    • RETWEETS
    life_goes_on76baliska2_Knothead_Nicole39077483DontFuckWithMomthrill713mr_clean85iakim36
    meagomyeggoJuan_IncognitoGeneralGreviousmissmaynItsMeRyanJones
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    In 1999 my 3 yr old threw a fit because I wouldn’t let him change his name to “Tinky Winky”. Now that he’s 16 and a dick, I wish I would’ve.

    • 1,101
    • FAVS
    dru0887lakolivierjohncfirthheatlebjornhbarkley70JaySaysStufflife_goes_on76baliska2
    • 641
    • RETWEETS
    JaySaysStuffElephartImWinning216inikobluexxLauraF23xxrutgerafterhourJulezdudeDontFuckWithMom
    MoistPorkartemis_ace__claysummers
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    If I a had a nickel for every time my Mom changed Boyfriends, I would put them all in a sock and beat her whore ass with them.

    • 1,233
    • FAVS
    dru0887spiraled_awaybaliska2YourmomisdirtyTimmyJenGeorgeScumbagtheshainabear____kampat04
    • 296
    • RETWEETS
    spiraled_awaybaliska2GajniKant_oldblackmansaysDukEB51shkeeberwashere__DontFuckWithMomangelamweber
    Haute_MILFIts_that_guy_JtigersgoroooarNoSugarNuts
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Sometimes, when I'm bored, I unfriend Grandma on Facebook just to get a bunch of bullshit started.

    • 1,039
    • FAVS
    dru0887spiraled_awaybaliska2Elephartshkeeberwashere__anja_drischHiddleDeeDeeDontFuckWithMom
    • 438
    • RETWEETS
    spiraled_awayaudioslave3476DontFuckWithMomPhinallyHereLizzyMa1988______missymmkayThisBlondeLifethrill713
    shesananteaterRuns_WildlittlekitnerboyUnicornBaxShock_Monster__kelkulus
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    It’s so funny when the new guy in the bar dedicates a karaoke song to the whore we’ve all banged.

    • 878
    • FAVS
    dru0887spiraled_awaybaliska2PastorTicklesElephartshkeeberwashere__TheChickWithTheJosesLovesYou
    • 315
    • RETWEETS
    spiraled_awaybaliska2thrill713Illiter8__________pieholeSoCoolHollywoodDiana_Spindler__Barbara8sen
    SaraESpiveyslyoung51kueldad
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Grandma broke the Wii controller this morning when "Reefer" was not the correct Family Fued answer to "Things you put in plastic bags."

    • 936
    • FAVS
    dru0887TheChickWithTheJosesLovesYouthrill713beccafacexoallisulliBeeny87shesananteater
    • 250
    • RETWEETS
    thrill713Illiter8__________Johnny0nTheSpottupacasnackthe_couch_guy____TMRoysgen_8675309______airsickk
    Runs_WildBlazedDonuts______FadeAway2ClassicMegan
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    When you wake up outside naked on a slip&slide at 6 a.m., somewhere along the line you must have zigged where you shoulda zagged.

    • 794
    • FAVS
    dru0887shkeeberwashere__JosesLovesYouthrill713allisullishesananteateryagonnaeatthatslotjunkierose
    • 246
    • RETWEETS
    Illiter8__________sarcasm_incjru918bramburrSugga_ShaddyGreatEloquencyvivaciousfaithOBiiieeee
    ashley_barnhillhappygodrinkjeff_ratfamily____TexasChiquitaTheiHEARTbeer
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

    • 812
    • FAVS
    dru0887shkeeberwashere__JosesLovesYouthrill713einsteinsexualallisulli_MrsBlueBird_shesananteater
    • 186
    • RETWEETS
    thrill713Illiter8__________TheAlexNevilsarcasm_inc57thStateTweetrSamePageDifDayJenny4ashleysweetdreamer77____
    C_J_Commode______AwhDiddyTweetscolewagonerdeede311__________
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    "YOU'RE THE BEST UNCLE EVER!" My 9 yr old niece when she saw me sitting on the curb at 7am and thought I was there to see her off to school.

    • 794
    • FAVS
    dru0887spiraled_awayElephartshkeeberwashere__kathybotteasJosesLovesYouThisBlondeLifeNickyMerlino
    • 183
    • RETWEETS
    spiraled_awayElephartthrill713Illiter8__________shesananteaterthe_couch_guy____slotjunkieroseTheAlexNevil
    bouncerface______jferg1616NottaBigDeal
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Grandma: Let's read the Bible!

    Me: Do what?

    Grandma: Now that I've got your attention, pass that joint you silly fucker.

    • 777
    • FAVS
    dru0887baliska2shkeeberwashere__Naradee12SkepticalSmokerJay1972JayMr_Rotten_2_uthistletat13
    • 169
    • RETWEETS
    baliska2ElephartNaradee12SkepticalSmokerwiryframesthistletat13JakeDuarte43mikemundzy
    rain247manBlazedDonuts______Its_that_guy_J_amandajeanne
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Trying to get laid by a slobbering drunk chick is like getting ketchup from a Drive-Thru. You assume it's in the bag, but it seldom is.

    • 680
    • FAVS
    dru0887spiraled_awayElephartshkeeberwashere__JosesLovesYouthrill713einsteinsexualallisulli
    • 202
    • RETWEETS
    spiraled_awaythrill713Jjkinky49JeffIlliter8__________TheBeerGuy7357thStateTweetrJenny4ashleyFormerGrunt______
    FadeAway2joelebeanNotJPomarebytes
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    There's nothing like pressure washing a Taco Bell parking lot at 7:00 am to remind you that you'll never date a Super Model.

    • 709
    • FAVS
    dru0887shkeeberwashere__JosesLovesYouthrill713einsteinsexualihatethatmoreBDGarpallisulli
    • 147
    • RETWEETS
    thrill713allisulliPeteypops13Illiter8__________FroggieChikkSamiNichole22satiricalterrorkatspaks
    letsgetgizzySuMacDanblueshellsd______
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Three things I love:

    1. A first kiss

    2. Making love on a beach

    3. Grandma in a robe yelling, “Fuck you Barbara! Those are MY flamingos!”

    • 625
    • FAVS
    dru0887Elephartshkeeberwashere__kathybotteasTDeeRockthrill713einsteinsexualallisulli
    • 206
    • RETWEETS
    thrill713slotjunkieroseAlessandra__456SharonAlvaresjacquelyn_tLousyBastardlivingnBostonLipglosslesbo
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    A true Hero often overlooked is the Spouse of a Veteran, who comfort them in the middle of the night when they wake terrified and screaming.

    • 575
    • FAVS
    Elephartshkeeberwashere__fierylilhandfulverifiedjayy__JosesLovesYouthrill713einsteinsexualallisulli
    • 229
    • RETWEETS
    verifiedjayy__slotjunkieroseJenny4ashleybkuyk9KittiParker______snapperdoo________VerifiedJayy______Happy2BHeather__
    VerifiedJayy______honeybadgerMelJanuaryJamesTOOLLover1SolelyBBonerfiedtwitVerifiedDrunk
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Walking into a jail cell is like walking into a car dealership. The first dude you meet seems cool, but really, he just wants to fuck you.

    • 576
    • FAVS
    spiraled_awayElephartshkeeberwashere__shesananteaterDontFuckWithMomdoccy_style______verifiedjayy__JosesLovesYou
    • 226
    • RETWEETS
    spiraled_awayDontFuckWithMomverifiedjayy__thrill713Habbibtiburtchybitch______Blarebaresarcasm_inc
    iamkevinday______
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    I'm a man. If you disrespect my lady I'll sprint through a yard full of boards and rusty nails, barefooted, just to stomp your coward ass.

    • 551
    • FAVS
    spiraled_awayElephartshkeeberwashere__shesananteaterJosesLovesYouthrill713einsteinsexualallisulli
    • 237
    • RETWEETS
    spiraled_awayIlliter8__________naomifrenzelsamantha_the_osahoytheboat______rain247manJenny4ashleyVerifiedJayy______
    ANastyGorilla
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    The gay Pharmacist at CVS has the hots for me. My heterosexuality and my pain pill addiction are in a huge tug of war right now.

    • 625
    • FAVS
    PastorTicklesElephartshkeeberwashere__TheChickWithTheshesananteaterJosesLovesYouihuffpaintdangerousd111
    • 154
    • RETWEETS
    thrill713Illiter8__________dreamthievinurekasgoldDecapitatedBee____hidingfromme__hereholddeezKizerBillhelm
    kevnastoJimmyTheThingmeaculpau27
  • TraylorParker
      Traylor Parker @TraylorParker

    Now that I'm sober, the fact Grandma actually HAD a rubber when I burst into her room and asked her for one last night is pretty disturbing.

    • 654
    • FAVS
    thefighter_shkeeberwashere__shesananteaterAmberC138TDeeRockJosesLovesYouthrill713einsteinsexual
    • 114
    • RETWEETS
    thrill713enragedpaigeallisulliIlliter8__________piplipsAineAnisa__sarcasm_incdreamthievin
    fullblowndaveFunnyInMyHead
@TraylorParker

@TraylorParker

Smooth Legit http://t.co/3MjlroHoKh