Somebody wakes up next to Ray Liota's face every single day. Think about that the next time you get depressed.

If I tell you to back up, I think you stink or I need a better look.

No YOU'RE under arrest.

Twitter is what would happen if sex toys could talk.

“@o_megadelic_o: @boobzillaz The irony. pic.twitter.com/xeMwTprgxU”

HAHAHA!!! Amen!

just had a lot of unprotected sex with some douchebag who is wearing a wifebeater that says parental advisory explicit content

if you have to ride your bike to the store in the morning in your pajamas, Chaka Khan feels for ya, but she don't love you.

Awoke 3 hours late for work. Went in, ordered a pizza. Now home in bed still drunk.

Employee of the year award here I come.

I love the smell of regret in the morning.

When googling Dicks Sporting Goods use as many descriptive words as you can.

Sincerely,

Guy looking at penis's

DATING TIP: Tell her she looks slimmer on the end of your dick.

A real man would smoke with me from my pink bong.

When they say Stacy's mom has got it going on, they are referring to her ruthless backyard cock fighting racket.

@traylorparker That's okay! Send my two months of your beard shaving and a glue stick. That would be equally awesome!

Spent 400 hours inventing the water proof bun now my days of soggy shower hotdogs are a thing of the past.

Off to the bar to make some bad decisions. Bail money is hidden in the top drawer inside the argyle sock.

Never trust a big nutsack and a smile. #replacesonglyricswithnutsack

I got the hell out of a Dodge and into a Toyota.

OUT OF SERVICE

I'm sorry, but Indiana Jones was hotter than Han Solo.

I mean, c'mon! Indy had a whip. Hello!