When my son is 16, I'm only replying in 90's slang
Son: Mom, We're headin' to the mall

Me: Oh snap, u playas gonna get some punani! Boo ya!

If you shift before 4000 rpm's, you're a pussy.

I have the attention span of a two year old, so it makes it really hard to focus on work or masturbating.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Some women look great without makeup, we call them beautiful. All men look stupid without a beard, we call them virgins.

Ladies, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

But are you 'sue a family member' trashy?

If you've got a rose tat on your boob, we all know you lost your V-card at age 12 to a dude named Scooter.

I hate when there is no toilet paper in the restroom at Waffle House & I have to yell until someone brings me some coffee filters

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

I may have broken my pinky in an attempt to catch a falling beer bottle because my priorities are just as fucked up as my motor skills.

Now that my kid lost her first tooth she looks like a hobo and I don't want her anymore.

What part of "sword collection back at my place" aren't these babes understanding?

Is it just me or is everyone extra bitter & shady and fucking crazy?

It's always best to drink with someone you'd actually like to fuck

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.

12 Vicodin MAY be my limit. I've been in bed for 3 hours, polishing a tomato with a dryer sheet I found hidden in the leg of my sweatpants.

Do not act like you know me. I don't even fucking know me.

Sometimes you just need to get out of your own way.

My favorite people are anyone that isn’t a drunk crying chick.