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I only pee in the shower because that's where I store my jellyfish.
People that expect you to not have feelings probably don't have any themselves. Well, for you anyway.
I hate it when you drive your Chevy to the levy, and it's completely dry. What a waste of a levy trip. But then, you just eat pie instead.
My Native American name is Lives On Samples.
Someone needs to invent babies that have cries that only their parents can hear.
I wanna be high on believing. Do you smoke it, snort it?
I once worked in an office with a girl that faxed a document 6 times because the paper was still there after she faxed it.
Whisper tweet nothings into my ear.
How to DIY romance: 1. Put on something pretty 2. Buy yourself some flowers 3. Make yourself a tasty dinner 4. Get drunk 5. Go fuck yourself
I'm so god at typos.
I'm not tweeting right now.
Not now either.
When life hands me lemons, you know what I say? Pshaw. I say pshaw to lemons.
I kinked up my neck last night and now it won't stop watching German dungeon porn with lots of fisting.
It really hurts.
Why r women's pants pockets so god damn small? I mean...once I get his balls in there, there's virtually no room left for coins or car keys.
This is where my words go to die.
Taking a three month break from twitter is kinda like running away when your 8 years old. No one notices or cares!
Most small children are way too moist. It's a wonder that they don't have more issues with mold and mildew.
I wanna build a diorama depicting the band Bananarama...using only band-aids, bananas, and bandanas.
I think I'm giving up on dating. Apparently if u have kids, the dating pool shrinks by 85%. So, I guess I'm gonna need lots of cats now.
So many inspirational quotes & selfies it'll make your head explode. Line crosser, sock wearer, former muse, & loving nihilist http://favstar.fm/users/Trazer_
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