Mad scientists probably just need a hug.

My friend saw a girl with a tramp stamp that read "Daddies Paradise." I know! Horrible spelling & punctuation, right!!

I wish my mind had a delete button.

I'm going to drink, and then say funny things...it's going to be great.

It's actually possible to be sexy, witty, and social AND still be treated like a lady. Some of us do respond best to being respected. #true

My head usually thinks my jeans will fit, but my ass begs to differ.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

I only pee in the shower because that's where I store my jellyfish.

My iPhone weather app predicts more rain for the next 7 days, with no chance of sex.

People that expect you to not have feelings probably don't have any themselves. Well, for you anyway.

I just fisted a turkey. It was awkward for both of us.

Being alone is the new black.

When a friend shows you their baby, I guess it's not cool to ask what breed it is. Noted.

I just blew my own mind. Yes, I'm THAT flexible.





Yup, I'm single!


Anyone?!








Awkward.

When in doubt, just shut (the fuck) up.

Brains are smart, hearts are dumb.


The end.

Hey, dudes with receding hairlines & long ponytails... please stop that.

It's hard to understand Hyundai Accents sometimes.

I think everyone who wears North Face should be required to climb a mountain.

I can always count on my family to consistently disappoint me throughout my life. So comforting.