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It's actually possible to be sexy, witty, and social AND still be treated like a lady. Some of us do respond best to being respected. #true
I only pee in the shower because that's where I store my jellyfish.
People that expect you to not have feelings probably don't have any themselves. Well, for you anyway.
I hate it when you drive your Chevy to the levy, and it's completely dry. What a waste of a levy trip. But then, you just eat pie instead.
Someone needs to invent babies that have cries that only their parents can hear.
I wanna be high on believing. Do you smoke it, snort it?
I once worked in an office with a girl that faxed a document 6 times because the paper was still there after she faxed it.
Whisper tweet nothings into my ear.
How to DIY romance: 1. Put on something pretty 2. Buy yourself some flowers 3. Make yourself a tasty dinner 4. Get drunk 5. Go fuck yourself
I'm so god at typos.
I'm not tweeting right now.
Not now either.
When life hands me lemons, you know what I say? Pshaw. I say pshaw to lemons.
This is where my words go to die.
Taking a three month break from twitter is kinda like running away when your 8 years old. No one notices or cares!
I wanna build a diorama depicting the band Bananarama...using only band-aids, bananas, and bandanas.
I think I'm giving up on dating. Apparently if u have kids, the dating pool shrinks by 85%. So, I guess I'm gonna need lots of cats now.
Being broke, hungry, and no sex is the worst threesome ever.
I love it when u wake up after having a crappy emotional day & u can say,"Ah! Now I get it...well played, Uterus, well played." #laundryday
People are like onions.
They make me cry when I cut them.
Million $ idea: elevator lighting & mirrors in swimsuit dressing rooms.
I'm not kidding. Why in the hell haven't they figured this out yet?
So many inspirational quotes & selfies it'll make your head explode. Line crosser, sock wearer, former muse, & loving nihilist http://t.co/zom8dgQR50
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