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DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog's Birthday Party
"you just fucked yourself, crap boy" -- my mom, on the highway, to a car that displeased her
I have a poem called "Rape Joke" up at The Awl today. It is a serious poem: http://www.theawl.com/2013/07/rape-joke-patricia-lockwood …
I'm A Heterosexual Man And I Am Opening The Door Of This Airplane Because I Want To Touch Some Cloud Tits
Tired of these fake kramer girls who enter a room totally normally
Sext: I am a Dan Brown novel and you do me in my plot-hole. "Wow," I yell in ecstasy, "this makes no sense at all"
Why write a book when you can just go into the woods and let your smell be information for the wolves
Don't just call a person "garbage." Tell them, "If you were a servant in the Beast's Castle your enchanted form would be a damn trash can"
Why even BOTHER to kiss, if the Fresh Prince audience isn't gonna make the OOOooooo sound the entire time I'm doing it
If evolution is true then why do british people still exist when there are americans
I want to feel about anything the way dogs feel about Outside
Sext: I get nude as hell. I write BRA on my boobs and JEAN SHORTS on my pelvis. I walk through a philosophy class and I am not arrested
The Law of Human Horniness
1 Everyone is horny
2 Everyone wants to fuck
3 FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THIS WITHOUT BEING MONSTERS TO EACH OTHER
*takes a deep breath and types into google* show me the smallest pig
Sext: I HAND U A PANINI AND U OPEN IT UP 2 SEE THE COMMAND "ORGASM" WRITTEN IN THOUSAND ISLAND. U GRIP THE EDGE OF THE FORMICA COUNTERTOP
hardcore berenstain bare-it-all | email@example.com
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