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I have a poem called "Rape Joke" up at The Awl today. It is a serious poem: http://www.theawl.com/2013/07/rape-joke-patricia-lockwood …
I'm A Heterosexual Man And I Am Opening The Door Of This Airplane Because I Want To Touch Some Cloud Tits
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog's Birthday Party
Tired of these fake kramer girls who enter a room totally normally
If evolution is true then why do british people still exist when there are americans
Why write a book when you can just go into the woods and let your smell be information for the wolves
Sext: I am a Dan Brown novel and you do me in my plot-hole. "Wow," I yell in ecstasy, "this makes no sense at all"
I want to feel about anything the way dogs feel about Outside
To me watching Sports is like watching a bunch of steaks who came to life & are trying violently to put themselves back together into a cow
I encourage you to use the Double Semicolon, a semicolon within a semicolon that forces the reader to take a bathroom break between clauses
I am going to buy a pug and put it in a puffy jacket and teach it to say "babygirl" to me whenever I am feeling bad
The Law of Human Horniness
1 Everyone is horny
2 Everyone wants to fuck
3 FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THIS WITHOUT BEING MONSTERS TO EACH OTHER
Sext: I get nude as hell. I write BRA on my boobs and JEAN SHORTS on my pelvis. I walk through a philosophy class and I am not arrested
Sext: I HAND U A PANINI AND U OPEN IT UP 2 SEE THE COMMAND "ORGASM" WRITTEN IN THOUSAND ISLAND. U GRIP THE EDGE OF THE FORMICA COUNTERTOP
"How old do I think the earth is?" Rick Perry said. "I hav no idea. It pretty old. Could be a Chundred Years, could be ... a Nillion Years"
The best way to break up with a man in public is to snap a dozen red roses in half over your knee and yell "Stay AWAY from my hole"
hardcore berenstain bare-it-all
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