I wanted to dress as a turn signal for Halloween, but nobody in Boston knows what the hell that is.

I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear.

With ninja condoms, nobody ever sees you coming.

Sarah Palin has announced that she'll be flying to China to help salami victims ejaculate.

My kid missed the school bus, instantly resulting in drama & tears.

But now that I've had a few cocktails, I'm OK.

The beauty of Sarah Palin's book is that you actually can shut the book up.

I have such an expansive vocabulary, it's like totally, you know.

Whatever.

I've decided to go out naked for Halloween & tell everybody that my costume is in Braille.

I made a stick horse out of duct tape, gum, & paperclips. I ride it around the house naked.

I am Lady Macgyva.

The worst part about being an atheist is that I have nobody to talk to during sex.

God wouldn’t put poles on the bus if we weren’t meant to dance on them.

So stop staring & let's see some green, Weirdo.

My Ex Mother in Law?

She’s a super-callous, vag-ballistic Ex be à la doucheous.

But I try not to judge.

Checking into a hotel w/my daughter.
Me: "Is the porn channel disabled?"

Him: "No, it's just regular porn, but I can get a DVD."

Based on my profile, this dating website has determined that my best match would be a vibrator.

Vodka & Vicodin are the answer.

I have no idea what the hell the question was.

Spooning inevitably leads to forking.

Use condiments.

Weird. I guess that's not what they meant by the sign, "Wet Floor."

6.9


See? Periods ruin everything.

I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas & he slapped me.

Somebody should tell Sarah Palin that calling 'Family Guy' offensive is retarded.