I'm looking for a tax write off kinda wife

I wonder if some of these homeless guys were ever prom king

I use mirrors to verify my deliciousness

I had a dream that I broke into @mrwordsworth house so me and his cat could eat freezies and watch Springer

I wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips. I... Wanna make you feel wanted.

Its a brand new day. Don't fuck it up

If I ran out of gas right now I'd probably just say fuck it and lay the seats back and go back to bed. Suck on that, monday.

Beyonce would be a good pirate since she's so bootylicious.

Rooting for the Mayans so I don't have to buy anymore christmas presents.

These children stick together that's for sure.

Thanks honey boo boo... Now we southerners all look like fuckin hillbilly trash.

There's a lot of lilly pads and no frogs.

Scott and kenny are coming in the office today... Gay phone on silent

I hope Beyonce's titty pops out

Gun control is not the problem. The problem is idiots having guns

Power ballads with the cake.

Spending lots of money at bass pro shops so I can kill more wild animals

They need an old black grandmother for president. She'll be whippin asses with a slipper and straighten this place out.

I want to work at a chic fil a, become a manager, then sell bootleg chicken sandwiches out the back on Sundays.

That awkward feeling when your driving and your mom calls freakin out cause your license is suspended.