My cousin said she wanted "1 of those cool glass dildos" & I replied "U've had 5 kids, just sit on an upside-down cup from your cupboard."

Lesbians shouldn't be allowed dildos, they've made their choice!

You know what, now that I think about it, Barbie has a lot of nice expensive shit...for a bitch whose knees don't bend.

Under-paid, under-laid, over-worked & over-looked...Something is very wrong with this current situation...

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Getting my nipples pierced just to hang ornaments from them...Don't judge how I display my fucking holiday cheer!

Dear GPS, It would be nice to have an "Avoid ghettos & hoods" option. Sincerely, Lost Little White Girl

Lesson learned, no more tweeting to companies, lost 2 followers. OK, from now on my tweets will only include sex, pussy, T&A, food, & booze.

Can't afford a divorce. So I'll just settle with defriending him from Facebook.

Any man would get a hard-on if they witnessed the size of those 3 pills I just swallowed without blinking.

Not doing Christmas cards this year-instead I'm mailing Xeroxed photos of my boobs to everyone. Cause nothing says Happy Holidays like tits!

Just yelled at the husband for driving reckless. His response? "Lady, turn the caps-lock off."

I'm not too sure how my sis could misspell cupcakes, but I think "cupcocks" works too. Either way I'd enjoying licking the frosting off 1...

Damn tequila turned into a truth serum last night. I argued, yelled, screamed, cried, kissed, smiled & giggled...all at myself in the mirror

Don't guilt me. I star some of your tweets, but maybe I don't wanna follow someone who'll flood my TL with tweets every goddamn 20 seconds!!

Me: "Daughter you look beautiful." Her: "I know *smile* I look in the mirror a lot." (I trained her well.)

Do my fingers smell like prostate to you?

Having a DM crush is overrated-Especially when the receiver is 2 dumb 2 realize theyre ur crush-More so, when the msg is-I have a crush on u

Twitter is making me too horny, so I'm going to take a virtual cold shower. Translate that to: "See ya on Facebook bitches."

Fuck me...I just looked for the "star" button while reading a DM. Good one Trish. High five...to the fucking forehead.