#WhileTwitterWasDown I was forced to use Facebook. Like an animal.

Does Zuckerberg get up every day and think to himself "How can I make Facebook worse?" Because it really seems like that happens.

iPhone 5 is a hoax. Today's the day #Apple admits that without Steve Jobs they've got no more ideas and will shut down forever.

#UnlikelySequel Texas Chainsaw Memorial Service

Cheers, #Pakistan. From the sound of how equally unhappy everyone seems, it looks like you're doing it right. Welcome to democracy.

Help people because you can, not because they ask.

Tea drinking is always an acceptable substitute for activity.

Thank goodness "Pootie Tang" is finally trending. All this time I thought I had joined Twitter for nothing. #WahDahTay

Jeans leggings = jeggings. Male jeans leggings = meggings. Jeans shorts = jorts. So therefore male jeans shorts = morts? We're all doomed.

It's not "Rule of Law" when two different sets of rules apply to the powerful and the weak. It's abuse of power.

If a cartoon has the potential to threaten your entire belief system, maybe the problem is you, and not the cartoon.

Whiskey is the true window to the soul.

Everyone suffers in life. Your pain is not more valid than someone else's whose is less visible. Be kind and understanding.

Unless you're 1. Russian-speaking and 2. can find Grozny or Dagestan on a map without help, please stop making Chechnya comments on-camera.

"First they ignore you, then they unfollow you, then they block you, then you get a life." -- Mahatma Ghandi, if he'd lived to see Twitter.

Good is the new bad.

1912: Shouting in the darkness to random strangers.
2012: Twitter

Used to think that GW Bush and Ahmadinejad were played by the same actor. Both made fiery speeches at UN and never in the same room at once.

@verlieren Business idea: A therapist/hairdresser combo. Name: "Freudian Clips"

Attention iPhone owners: Unlock a secret feature that makes your iPhone act like a Blackberry. Hold the power key until it turns off. Voila!