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In Hell, Gilbert Godfreid narrates a Madea movie....
Pretty sure Miley Cyrus is the worst thing that ever happened to music.
Does anything in the world make you feel like a bigger piece of shit than scraping the cheese off of the wrapper of your breakfast sandwich?
Tonight at work I am going to put a fake engagement ring in every girls drink. Should be fun.
You think Kirstie Alley ever watches 'Look Who's Talking' and thinks to herself "Well shit... I got fat as FUCK."...
Waitress just came up to service bar and said "I've crop-dusted the whole restaurant....twice." I have a new favorite waitress.
2 middle-aged white ladies at the bar taking pictures of themselves and saying "omg, hashtag love your selfie..." kill me. Kill me now.
Everybody is just a stomach virus away from their ideal weight.
Johnny Rotten in Jesus Christ Superstar? Fuck dude. Another one bites the dust.
There is a special place in Hell for bad tippers and meter maids.
I feel like if you use words like "obvi" and "gorge", I reserve the right to punch you in the face... So watch out, Kardashians, watch out.
The fast talking disclaimer guy on the radio makes me contemplate jerking the wheel and wrecking into a tree. I hate him that much.
"One way or another" is the female stalker answer to "Every breath you take."
When people ask for a "quiet" table in the restaurant, my first impulse is to inform them that tables don't talk. I hate everyone.
Wow... warm weather really brings out the douche bags doesn't it...?
Excuse me...sir...? Hi. Yes, can you please get your fucking baby OFF of my bar? Thanks.
Hey fellas... If you wanna see what a chick REALLY looks like, catch her at the grocery store at 9 am.
Ever worked with someone that talks so fucking much you ask them out to lunch JUST so you have a chance to shove them in front of a bus?
Hey girls- 'curves' and 'thick' are WAYYYYY different than 'fat'. Stop posting your thick girl e-cards trying to pass for one.It's annoying.
Writer, bartender, cynic. I like booze and food and films. I use the word 'fuck' as an icebreaker.