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You know you are getting older when you injur yourself while having sex.
When I was a teenager- we didn't 'dance battle' our enemies. We whipped their ass and called it a day.
In Hell, Gilbert Godfreid narrates a Madea movie....
Yep. Just cried in the opening credits of Free Willy. I hate my period.
Oh you're a vegan? Cool. I dont fucking care.
Pretty sure Miley Cyrus is the worst thing that ever happened to music.
Does anything in the world make you feel like a bigger piece of shit than scraping the cheese off of the wrapper of your breakfast sandwich?
Full bar. Lady just walked in and asked if we were open. I hate everyone.
Just a tip: when im smiling at your baby its only because I am picturing myself punching it in the throat.
For the record fellas- when you start a convo with a chick by saying "hey I like your 'ink'.." It makes me want to punch you in the face.
Tonight at work I am going to put a fake engagement ring in every girls drink. Should be fun.
If you really wanna have fun... rub your nose while talking to someone and watch how many times they rub theirs. Its fucking awesome.
Got all the way to work before I realized I am not wearing any underwear. Shit.
Holy shit- that scary guy from the candy man movies juat walked into my bar. Hope a bunch of bees dont suddenly fly out of his mouth...
Just went over the double yellow while checking out a surfer-ish shirtless 20-something mowing his lawn. Cougar status: complete. Fml.
In line at Target. Old man just sniffed me. Fml.
The punk rocker in me is crushed, but the faithful dreamer in me is stoked for them to be reunited. R.I.P. Tommy Ramone.
Writer, bartender, cynic. I like booze and food and films. I use the word 'fuck' as an icebreaker.
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