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Hey, judgey lady on the train... they are tattoos not weapons. Quit staring, you twat.
When I forget how much vodka I drank last night and go for the bottle thinking its full and there's only a drop, actual tears come out.
Ugh. It tastes like two homeless people had sex in my mouth last night.
No, Folgers, the best of part of waking up is finding a torn pair of panties on the floor and wondering what the fuck happened last night...
I got blocked by the ugly girl from Goonies. How the FUCK does that happen...?
Guy asks "Whats the craziest place you've had sex?" My answer "On a coffin" and he thinks I'm weird.THERE WAS NO BODY IN IT, man. Calm down.
Ahhhh nothing quite like a cup of cheap gas station coffee to make your mouth taste like shit for the rest of the day...
Me:Well people honk at me all the time while I'm running...
15 year old son: Yeah, and then they find out you are 35 and they drive away.
When you are behind a Beamer with a license plate that says 'donth8t' at 7 am... its hard not to rear end that fucker.
Just so you know, If i am in your bathroom and there is no toilet paper... I am using that hand towel and hanging it back up...
I wonder if Channing Tatum knows that he just hangs out on my computer screen in his underwear all day...
"Blood is thicker than water."
"So is mayonnaise."
Is there a show on TV that is NOT about catty bitches hating on each other...?
Wendy is the new Flo. Annoying as fuck.
Wait... when did Hula Hooping become so slutty?! Is nothing sacred anymore...?
My girl just said "Well fuck, it's not the ONLY time I've tried to fight an entire party..." And I literally spit out my drink. So good.
I want the chance to bare knuckle box that fat cunt from those 'Dance Mom' commercials.
Pretty sure that bitch at Starbucks put Colon Blow in my coffee today. Fml.
Few things are more disturbing to me than Steve Harvey's mustache.
You could be fucking Einstein... if you talk equations with a Jersey accent...you sound like an idiot. A full on idiot.
Writer, bartender, cynic. I like booze and food and films. I use the word 'fuck' as an icebreaker.