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In Hell, Gilbert Godfreid narrates a Madea movie....
Tonight at work I am going to put a fake engagement ring in every girls drink. Should be fun.
You think Kirstie Alley ever watches 'Look Who's Talking' and thinks to herself "Well shit... I got fat as FUCK."...
2 middle-aged white ladies at the bar taking pictures of themselves and saying "omg, hashtag love your selfie..." kill me. Kill me now.
Excuse me...sir...? Hi. Yes, can you please get your fucking baby OFF of my bar? Thanks.
Ever worked with someone that talks so fucking much you ask them out to lunch JUST so you have a chance to shove them in front of a bus?
Hey girls- 'curves' and 'thick' are WAYYYYY different than 'fat'. Stop posting your thick girl e-cards trying to pass for one.It's annoying.
Watching a guy dump his girlfriend in the middle of the restaurant. Ermahgerd.
That moment when your mom calls and you pretend you are sleeping like she can see you.
Been on twitter for a bit now- can anyone tell me what the fuck a 'subtweet' is...?????
People on FB whine too damn much. I like twitter better, where everyone is a sarcastic fuck.
"I'll just have a number 28."
"Um... ma'am, that's the price..."
Hey fellas... If you wanna see what a chick REALLY looks like, catch her at the grocery store at 9 am.
What does the fox say? The fox says "I'm going to scare the fuck out of you while you when you are outside smoking alone in the dark." FML.
Hey hippie... that bicycle doesn't magically turn you into a car... get the fuck on the sidewalk.
Extreme couponers....better known as... HOARDERS.
Dude. They are blasting OPP at brunch. Brooklyn is kinda cool.
Yep. Pretty hard to pull up your pants in the bathroom on the express when you've had a few drinks and it's coming into a station. FYI.
The fast talking disclaimer guy on the radio makes me contemplate jerking the wheel and wrecking into a tree. I hate him that much.
"Excuse me... Miss?"
"Can you explain how your menu works to me?"
I fucking hate everyone.
Writer, bartender, cynic. I like booze and food and films. I use the word 'fuck' as an icebreaker.