I HATE MOOD SWINGS. They're awesome though.

Bike rack on your car? Weak. I put a bike rack on my bike to carry more bikes with my bike. Call me when you're ready to actually get sporty

I'll have a sandwich, hold the mustard. That's right, hold it gently. Now whisper something sexy to it. Good, good.

If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he'll leave because I have first dibs.

Another successful day of not being a dude with a wallet chain.

I want a "refrigerataur." Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

Eating a sandwich and salad for lunch, except instead of a sandwich it's candy and instead of a salad I have no friends.

I'm not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It's a group effort, bears.

Article: "8 Stress Busters for Kids." Are you serious? Here's a stress buster: YOU'RE A KID. Go drink fruit punch and fall down or whatever.

Did you know that if you eat 3 Snickers bars in bed for dinner a portal opens up to a different nah I'm just kidding you just feel sad.

I did a full 20 minutes on the treadmill! Didn't drop my ice cream cone this time. The trick is not to turn it on.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Ladies, my mom just said I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm so, so sorry. There's something out there for you too, don't give up.

The internet is down at work. I took my top off and lit a campfire. Coyotes are near. I'll sacrifice Todd from HR. How do you hunt rabbit?

If I were Channing Tatum I'd pronounce my name a little differently each day so that it slowly morphed into Charming Tater.

If you love something, let it go. To the movies. You go too. Make out with it. Take it home. Doorstep. Can I come in? No? Never loved it.

A good trick would be if bears wore overalls because then you'd think they're farmers but then surprise they are bears! Run.

I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair you know what I don't really know how to do this

People can be real jerks after I hit them with my car like once.

I don't hit rock bottom, I high-five it.