"Kicking ass and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

K-Y should be called K-WHEN.

Because we already know why.

People with multiple personalities scare me.

Speak for yourself bitch.

That's right, you heard her.

I get carried away sometimes.

Because I refuse to leave.

My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

Weed is the gateway drug to feeling fucking better.

Thanks for the 4 minute follow.

I’ll never forget you.

Hating people takes too much energy.

I just pretend they’re dead.

Guy asked me for directions so I told him - lower, lower, lower. He said he didn't get it. I said and you're not going to either.

Had a dream I found a nickel last night. Fuck, I can't even dream big when I'm sleeping.

If I have to fight for your love, I don’t want it.

Have you ever found something so fucking old and gross in the fridge that you puked a little? I don't even know how my nana got in there.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they’re fucking stupid.

Twitter is a lot like gardening, throw the shit out there and see what grows.

Most people can’t figure me out and that’s just the way I like it.

Commercials for toilet paper make it seem like I'll be cuddling with the shit instead of wiping with it.

When I’m not bitching, complaining or swearing, I’m really quite shy.

Butt dialing must be getting more common; I seem to answer a lot of calls from ASSHOLES!

I just unlocked the 'I couldn't give a rats ass where you are badge' on foursquare..

You don’t like me because I like someone you don’t like.

Are you like 12?