Give all your love, prayers, and good vibes to @noellephx. She's an angel. A real angel. She deserves the best... *hugs* #RememberPhil

Hi person with one follower! You're sharing a link with me? How legitimate of you!

We live in a world where the most influential voices of reason are from Comedy Central. While awesome, let that marinate for a minute.

I am offended when people call Tony Romo, "Tony Homo". Not bc I am a #Cowboys fan, but it implies that being gay is bad.

I want Lady Gaga to get pregnant. I bet her baby belly would end up being shaped like a pyramid.

Haters gonna hate, but POTATOES GONNA POTATE

Um... Hey... Bath & Body Works? I don't know if @luvbbw is the most appropriate twitter handle.

I am waiting for an Arizona law where companies can ban purchases of condoms with wages earned by their employees.

In this day and age, if you're offended by the word "fuck," just get off the internet.

Write "-2 - 2x =" with a pencil, it sounds like "Chim chimney, chim chimney, chim chim cheree". FILE UNDER: Things I wish I discovered.

Alpacatraz

Girls, stupid is not cute. It's stupid.

Dear restaurants, if your website has no menu IT IS USELESS TO ME.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - MLK Jr.

Kim Jong 2 was an award-winning video game sequel to Kim Jong Country.

"Everybody Loves Raymond is on? HELL YEAH!" - Nobody, ever.

GO GET A LIVEJOURNAL AND CRY ABOUT IT

It's hazardous to be this fabulous.

My daughter is dancing to Selena's "Baila Esta Cumbia." I have done my job as a parent.

Why did I not do this sooner? #pancakebunny pic.twitter.com/OYBE97L8