@jordandamico soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of furrrrr. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purrrrrr.

@jordandamico I bet there's an app for that. Take the first letter of your first name, and the third letter of your last name: Orchid Rain

@jordandamico The Firm

@beckshorter "and this is how you treat me" I die.

This is the message I just sent my sister. Hopefully your Tuesday evening is going better than mine.  http://instagr.am/p/SR0sstHWyt/ 

You don't wear vampire teeth to church. Things I never thought I'd say.

@beckfromfrogandtoad the fitness ones!! Argh!!! Pinterest is for sugar and fat and crafts to be done while sitting on my fat arse.

@emilylewis I'm not really an extrovert, I only play one on the Internet.

@jasminestar @creativelive I can't be picked if I don't submit a video, right? Here's hoping.... http://youtu.be/A4WEpWDYEvw #jasminelive

No, dear husband, I am not a hoarder. Now please hand me that 1995 Pearl Jam concert ticket stub.

@triciahonea I have connections to the gay mafia. They may not bust her kneecaps but they will put her in jeans that make her ass look huge.

Put down the fiesta ware and tend to your kidz.
Dinner guests appreciate well behaved children more than expensive dinnerware.

I'm in the store watching your kidz meltdown and I'm judging you for it.