@uncledynamite "Breathed" the word. Excellent choice. And, EW LONG NOSE HAIR IS MY BIGGEST GROSS OUT PET PEEVE

Most times you can remove the "that" and the sentence improves.

Twitter* made me nearly come** today.


*bumpy stretch of highway and well-placed nubby fold of my jeans
**spelling it "cum" makes me giggle

Have some of you *not* had an online affair?

Horrifying realization today. Twitter is actually AOL. Chat rooms/tweet stream and IMs/dms. Taking a while to process this.

Now, back to masturbation tweets.

When did I start tweeting only in useless sarcasm? Good god, I need to stop this. Or, via misplaced hands: "Hppd Hpd, O meed tp stp[ tjos."

My first twitter crush. Smokin' hot and funny. He starred me tons, too. Turns out he starred everyone tons and was "famous." Yuck. The end.

@paulymortadella Radar on M*A*S*H coached by Hawkeye on how to impress the ladies. When in doubt for what to say, go with "Ah, Bach!"

Thank god I haven't had sex in OVER A GOD DAMNED YEAR or I might think this lactose intolerance bubbling is a new life inside me.

Know what's hot? Marrieds tweeting about wanting to fuck their partners. Not hot like I want to fuck them, just good-for-the-universe hot.

Decided to take favstar yelling at me so often as a compliment.

My new all-time favorite tweet, even without context. RT @tequilatuesday: I spelled my name wrong.

Photo: #nopants I often wonder how many people on Twitter are really wearing no pants, and who’s just saying... http://tumblr.com/x1fcjw9kj

Would it be off-putting if I told the guy I'm considering schtupping that he needs to make up for his lack of height with extra-bold lust?

It's so easy to pretend you are thinking about me.

Stars aren't sticking. This makes me want to kill someone with a lot of pain. Clearly, my day is fraught with appropriate perspective.

Do you ever see a 100 star tweet and regret that you were a part of it?

Once I confirm it's not because it's *me* I lose interest in a man's (indiscriminate and, therefore almost insulting) attention. (Yes, you.)

Sometimes it's really hard to give up Times New Roman.