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Just met an adult named Cody who wasn't a golden retriever
I always tip the delivery guy an extra $2.00 if he doesn't look around for the other six people he thought the sushi would feed.
Paul McCartney looks like an elderly lesbian tortoise
JCPenney is offering trick-or-treating this year in case you don't have the balls to flat-out tell your kid how much you hate them
Name a Kevin you've met and liked. Impossible, right? Fuck you, Kevin
Sorry I missed your wedding but I had to ask my cat if he's "Mother's fancy boy" about two hundred or three hundred times in a row
Adopting a hairless cat is like hiring a naked old man to walk around your apartment and never thank you for anything.
I think it's safe to assume that we all kind of know what Judas Iscariot would have done for a Klondike Bar.
When a parent brags about their baby's latest milestone, take a drag off a cig, say, "I did it a month earlier. It was easy" and walk away
Wonder if it's hard for cool doctors not to use slang during diagnoses "Janet, your dick dungeon is CRAZY busted right now. Here's a scrip."
Let's all agree that the best part of Osama bin Laden's death is that everyone on Facebook totally forgot to complain that it's Monday.
I wish I felt as much excitement about anything as Subway does about discovering avocados.
It's tough to argue against capital punishment knowing there are still people out there that punctuate with "just sayin..."
Mumford & Sons sounds like a family-owned funeral home and don't even get me started on their name.
Ladies, as you enter this day, remember that one chubby arm photo is going to cancel out the thirty you carefully took of your collar bone.
Stare into a dairy cow's eyes, pull down your underpants and drop a hot load of urethral Gatorade to establish dominance
The one redeeming thing about wearing a Women's Size 10 shoe is that everyone naturally assumes my dick is enormous.
I am a comedian who contributes to http://WitStream.com, @LIFECOACHERS and the general decay of society.