Accidentally left the front door ajar last night which indicates to me that there is a significant shortage of female rapist in this town.

@mouthymess That's very difficult as you are already in the perfect position for the hindlick maneuver. Unless they hate you of course...

DYING for a good Easter egg hunt this weekend!!! Who's ovulating?

Ok, funny story... Accidentally made appointment for my dog at taxidermist instead of vet and well, they have this 24 hour cancellation...

Global warming my ass, its more like global menopause. Hot flashes. Cold flashes. Always crying...

I have a huge head ache. Please pass the blow job. Thanks.

Woah!! My loins were on FIRE for this chick in the cafeteria this morning!! Yeah, she dumped her large coffee in my lap. >:(

Its good to be missed. By friends and family; but, mostly by bullets.

@wussawilla are you shaven? I have wine. (play it all together, your turn)

Eggs were chosen for Easter b/c they are fun to color, easy to hide, taste good, and well; sperm just didn't sound like a very good idea.

You can substitute wine for grape juice in a smoothie right?

@vodka_a_jones do you have enough minutes left for that?

I'm finally starting to understand @favstar, it's like Sylvester McMonkey McBean's Star-On machine. All the plain bellied Sneetches pay $3.

@omgfactssex yeah, they were called whores.

@kuntspeak that's a humidifier I'd get a lung disease for...

@laney_ you should deff dog sit Slevin! ;)

OK, CDC showed that only the brain stem is active after reanimation; why does ANY brain shot kill the zombie fucks? #thewalkingdead

P.S. I voted.

Instead of paying $11 at a local kabab joint, I made all this myself for just over $34. In about 7 hrs. In the rain... http://t.co/GOgM738X

@rummylauded I'm sure it was meant with love. Be right ovaaahhhh! :)