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It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of your penis in the vagina. DO NOT put a boat in there.
There are humans that have pushed smaller humans out of them and then said "This is called Winona" and there's nothing we can do about it
"If this works? Holy shit." - first guy to plant a dollar bill in the ground
I Google the names of people and places before I tweet about them to make sure I spell them right.
This is me. This is who I am now.
"OOOoooooo who brought the cupcakes?!" - always the last person in the office who should be eating cupcakes
Man, those sportscasters are really really good at doing something that doesn't matter
17 years and Nickelodeon still hasn't mailed me my free tix to a live taping of "All That". I'm just gonna show up at the studio, fuck it.
Birds are like little kids in the way they keep saying the same thing over and over and over and over until you throw a shoe at them #mornin
Why would you say "THINK FAST" & then throw something at me? Does anyone say "CATCH FAST" & then ask you a math problem? NO. FUCKING STOP IT
When using a food processor, press the "chop" button to chop, and the "grind" button to chop. Or grind. They do the same fucking thing.
I hate decisions. Like when the doorbell rings and my pants are off. Put pants on & answer door? Hide in closet for 30min? Burn house down?
Me: "yer stupid, you eat bugs, yer house has no roof, you shit every 30min & you only live 5yrs"
Bird: "I can fucking fly"
Me: "you win"
Write tweet. (pause) Delete.
Write tweet. (pause) Delete.
Write tweet. Send. Delete.
Sob while firing gun out window.
Charge iPhone.
Dying in a bouncy-house that breaks loose from it's moorings and blows away in high winds is a guaranteed laugh
FUN PRANK: hide some blood in a jar of mayonnaise.
like A LOT of blood.
from a dead guy.
basically frame your wife for murder.
my spirit animal shot itself :( this is all worth it
