"I swear to god, if you fuck me on this..." -- a couple, mattress shopping.

"Do you come here often? I do, but usually in the bathroom, in one of the stalls or something." #drunkpickuplines

Just sittin' back with a good book. pic.twitter.com/PdZR7aeBQm

#incomingfreshmanadvice Live life like you don't have genital herpes.

"Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking cunt?" *gets slapped*  http://avc.lu/ZgeTAe  @joe_gi_guido

I always turn to the Toyota Tundra whenever I need to tow a Space Shuttle.

Madden saying you should never go for it on 4th-and-14 makes me think he's never played Madden before.

@calvinlevi95 More like #dumbass

@stevejett37 We're hurrying, but do you have any idea how long it takes to jog from Findlay to BG?

@stevejett37 I'm pregnant.

"If I put lemon juice on my dick, would you suck it like it was lemon Pledge?" #drunkpickuplines

"There's a party in my pants and you're invited. I'm just gonna need bigger pants, I'm gonna need waaaay bigger pants." #drunkpickuplines

@ginandjuicejoe How dare you insult our Lord and Savior Douglas MacArthur.

I don't like how my email just assumes that I'm not intentionally receiving dozens of emails about penises.

@ginandjuicejoe Ah. Well that's okay:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=mZ-JX-7B3uM …

Conveniently, if U.S. foreign policy was a person, it would probably look a lot like Dennis Rodman.

I don't know my own lack of strength.

@mirandaluann Well to be fair, I'm a whore. Doesn't make it any less confusing though.

Trying to keep a straight face while @ginandjuicejoe gets his ears pierced... at Claire's.

@ginandjuicejoe  http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/7x3r