My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.

A bishop from your chess set can double as a butt plug in a pinch.

If cum tasted as good as you guys said it does, you'd be jerking off into cups and drinking it yourselves. Or maybe you do????

Ok black people you all realize the S is before the K in the word ask? Just aksing

When your sporting a neck and hand tattoo and ask me if you can take my order. I'll assume you've hit your career ceiling.

If you have a grill anywhere but your backyard or the front of your car, I'll assume you have done some time.

If your dumping someone face to face, clearly your using technology wrong.

Navigating traffic in L.A. is like trying to browse porn on a 56k modem.

If anyone was with a girl last night who gargled the ABC's with your cum in her mouth. I need my watch back.

I practice monogamy in all of my relationships. I just realize that I'm really shitty at it.

Fellas,
If your expecting bj's were not asking for the fucking botanical gardens, but a little manscaping is in order.
Here to help.

You talking on your earpiece with the little blue light blinking is my green light to come bother the shit out of you with trivial questions

I just looked at my hand and it looks so retarded without my phone in it.

There must be a ton of mechanics down in the south. They are always fixin to do something.

If your gonna hit on me at least do it in English. No habla asshole!

Ok so Ive been officially schooled. Tits, drugs and alcohol= Twitter success

Black guy- I'm strapped
White guy- your broke?
BG- no I'm packing
WG- where ya going?
BG- ahh fuck it

If you were on fire, I wouldn't even pour my Shasta on you.

Do all of you finish your tweets with asking for a friend?

Asking for a friend.

If I shave a landing strip will that increase the chances of having a dick find my vag sometime soon?