I just put "ninjas" into my search engine. It came back "ninjas can not be found." Well played ninjas, well played!

I slept with a hooker last night.... I say slept, she was actually dead at the side of the road, I just lay next to her for a while.

Does the 5 second rule apply to babies?


I just dropped one.

Can you help this tweet get to 100 for my birthday? It's on 0 at the moment, so you've got your work cut out. And its not funny either, so..

I'm not worried about offending people on Twitter. I'm worried about saying 'your' when I mean 'you're'

I have been known to star tweets I don't fully understand, mainly because I don't want to look stupid.

I just lost 6 billion followers! - Jesus on Saturday

The best way to get stoned in the middle east?

Adultery.

I wanna adopt a kid before Angelina Jolie gets all the good ones.

Days sober..... 0 and counting.

I like my women like I like my bowling balls.

With 3 usable holes.

I like going to the sperm bank and donating bull semen.

The women get a shock when they give birth to a Minotaur 9 months down the line.

The closest I've come to sex lately is a girl 5000 miles away saying she liked my hair. Fuck it, I'm counting that as full penetration.

Predator is on. Whoopi Goldberg's finest hour if you ask me.

Falling asleep drunk with a fag in your mouth has a completely different meaning in the UK.

My spirit animal bit my inner child and gave it rabies.

I'm having them both put down.

I had sex today! - me if I'd have had sex today.

I think some tweets have suRTbliminal messages in them, I can't abSTARsolutley sure though.

I asked my gf what she wanted for v-day, surprise me she said, so I headbutt'd her and called her a cunt. Weren't expecting that!

I love days like this. You know, the ones where you sit at home on your own all day crying and wondering what's become of your life. Awesome