I want to know why you can neatly put your earphones in your pocket, 1 minute later they're more tangled than a new age hippys dirty dreds

I just put "ninjas" into my search engine. It came back "ninjas can not be found." Well played ninjas, well played!

I'm not too sure my "smart" phone is that smart at all. It text my ex gf the other night when I was drunk as fuck and told her I loved her!

There's only one bit of popeye that never seizes up.... the bit he dips in olive oil.

So today I decided just to chill out and think of all the happy times in my life. obviously that didn't take long, so now I'm watching porn

Is nobody else concerned by the commercials for 72 hour deoderent.
Have these stinking people ever heard of a shower?

A Facebook post: A Tweet that would never make it in the world.

I slept with a hooker last night.... I say slept, she was actually dead at the side of the road, I just lay next to her for a while.

There is a difference between a pretty sick tweet and a fucking disturbing one. This is Twitter, but there is still a line. Cross it at will

I like my women like I like my bowling balls.

With 3 usable holes.

I will always RT my TOTD's. If somebody has spent money for bonus features, and is good enough to give me one I think its only right.

If I find a woman's hair on my shirt that means she's legally mine right? I hope so, or those 3 chicks in my basement will want releasing.

I'm sorry, but if you're tweeting about how in love you are and shit, you're in the wrong place.
WE TALK ABOUT MASTURBATION!

The closest I've come to sex lately is a girl 5000 miles away saying she liked my hair. Fuck it, I'm counting that as full penetration.

Does the 5 second rule apply to babies?


I just dropped one.

Thatgabi, thatflabby, hairytits, lack of clit, spouting shit, had a little spazy fit. UNFOLLOWED chick for having dick. Laters prick!

The only trouble with following mainly Americans: WHO OR WHAT THE FUCK IS ANTHONY WEINER?

A little less conversation a little more action please - Elvis watching softcore porn.

After yesterday's Twitter fiasco I've come to a conclusion....

Bitches be CRAZY!

My spirit animal bit my inner child and gave it rabies.

I'm having them both put down.