Nobody likes an actual slut, just a slutty mind.

If you neglect me, someone else won't.

I always thought I was a complete retard until I joined twitter. Now I know I'm pretty normal.

I'm horny enough to hurt you.

Oh fucking please. If you use twitter as a dating site you deserve that girls penis in your ass.

Calm down and save some stuff for your midlife crisis.

I belong on twitter because I'm a slut and a princess.

Please read all my tweets in a bitchy tone. You know, for full effect.

Don't worry, we all secretly think our followers have hand picked us.

Nobody cares whether you have beautiful eyes except when you're giving a blow job.

Hey tampon string, stop hiding away in my butthole.

Losing weight is awesome until you lose a cup size.

Don't worry about the size of your tits, worry about how far your nipples are from your neck.

I don't have a twitter crush because I'm actually a normal functioning adult.

I know when to say tits and when to say boobs. I'm classy like that.

Whatever a royal fuck is, I'm going to give that.

Ugly girls thinking they're hot is like people thinking they can sing.

Your inspirational tweets are like parenting books written by people with out kids.

If I was single I'd be a lot more popular on twitter.

Retweeting is like sending out an invitation to the best coolest parties.