OK so I just set up my favstar page. Now all I need are stars. I haven't wanted stars this badly since freaking kindergarten.

For the first time on Twitter, Planet Earth is getting more attention than Uranus.

Double Cheeseburger for breakfast? Talk about a great hangover cure. My liver still won't talk to me so I'm pissing off my arteries for now.

Me: You're like a drug.
Her: Addicting?
Me: No.
Her: Seductive?
Me: You ruin lives.

5 star hotels? Psshh... I get more stars than that on Twitter. Two more, to be exact.

You have no idea how hard it is to tweet something funny without being a writer/a comic/a parent/canadian/jewish.

(Groan) I feel like Forest Whitaker's left eye right now - lazy as fuck.

I tried keeping up with the Kardashians and all I got was dumber.

Being in a different time zone ain't so bad. When I'm being Stupid McTweetsalot, you guys are just waking up and starring shit like crazy.

Making fun of Asian people is So, Wong.

Hotdogs are more than just lies. They're phallacies.

Where in the hell is that "Free Hugs" guy when you need him? LOLJK! I need a beer, not a hug. I'm a MAN, dammit! A manly man! I... *sobs*

In case you guys are wondering, I look exactly like my avatar. Minus the Hepatitis skin.

Oh, secret AGENT. I thought you said secret ASIAN. Because "secret asian" is just a politically correct way of saying Ninja.

My new hobby: yelling "CUE PORNO MUSIC!" at the most inopportune times.

Sometimes I wish I had cleavage to hide stuff in and pull it out all sexy-like. Ass cracks just don't compare.

You know what's more embarassing than sexting the wrong number? Having your creepy Uncle oblige.

Plot against extremely cute dentist: have her fall for me so I can fish hook her face for an hour and a half too. See how she likes it.

Dear Facebook, just because I have 12 friends in common with some douchetard does not mean I would WANT to be friends with said douchetard.

I look gorgeous in this lighting. This doesn't happen very often so I think I'll stay right here for an hour or three.