Some of you just aren't ready to sit at the grown-ups table yet.

I JUST HAD REALLY GREAT SEX!!!

...that's all.

[But believe me, that's enough.]

If you don't stop telling your ugly baby she's cute she's gonna grow up to be the hideous coworker that assumes everyone is hitting on her.

You’re not funny at all, but my god your breasts are fantastic.

The best friendships are the ones where you can go weeks without talking but immediately pick it up again when you do

You didn't hurt my feelings. I don't have those.

What my mother hates most about me is that I'm exactly like my Dad

She couldn't control him either

Brought my guitar to work & making up jingles for each coworker. So far I have "Chris Sucks", "Fuck you, Tom" and "Mike, You Fuckin Slacker"

My career as a stuntman was cut tragically short after telling a woman she did in fact look fat in those pants.

Remember, you're not hungover, you're normality impaired.

Is normality a real word?

I'm not a bad speller, I'm syntax challenged.

How I Seize the Day:

1. Wake up early
2. Put on gym clothes
3. Breakfast
4. Packs lunch
5. Fuck this shit, go back to bed, is late for work

Me: *wraps cat in foil/puts on sunglasses/lights sparklers*

Mom: Stop.

Me: But I ju-

Mom: NO.

Me: I HAVE TO WELD KITTY'S IRON MAN SUIT!

Can we skip to the part of the day where I'm so frustrated at how my life turned out that I drink myself into oblivion? Whatdya mean, no?

Let's make a pact today that no matter how much shitty stuff happens, we all just pretend life is great. For at least one fucking day! XOXO

But of course they'd never cheat on You!
They only cheated on every ex to get to you.
Silly ole me Xxx

Science has given us 4D images of babies inside the womb, but I can't have a pet dragon. Fuck you, science. I hate you.

I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

Me: Gotta love Commando Fridays!
Coworker: You mean casual Fridays?
Me: ..
Him: .
Me: *whispers* I'm not wearing any underwe..
Him: I GOT IT

Some of you seriously need to grow the fuck up.

Not you. Come to daddy.

Sons (19 & 21) are looking at old pictures of themselves. "Look at that. Why did you let us go out in public dressed like that?" BAHAHAHA!