When I see guys with flame tattoos on their wrists I assume it's because they masturbate so fast.

Watching "Swamp People" makes me upset that people who didn't pass grade school are more famous than me.

Drunk me thought answering the door for the pizza guy naked was hilarious. The pizza guy thought otherwise.

Heard someone use "irregardless" today and I "irreversibly" murdered her.

"This follower resets too much. This follower doesn't tweet enough. This follower tweets just enough." -Goldi Locks on Twitter

Hey guys we are meeting at my place tomorrow morning to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. Bring shotguns, water, and slim jims.

For all of my followers who don't star my tweets I still love you, but no more sex for you.

Girls always tell me I have beautiful blue eyes. I slap them and tell them not to make eye contact when we're fucking.

Sometimes I think half my followers are actually one guy with multiple accounts who thinks I'm funny. I appreciate the stars mysterious man.

I'm assuming if a woman marries a Scottish man she wears the pants in the relationship.

Please quit tweeting sad and depressing things on twitter. That's what facebook is for.

I always feel like a ninja when I'm visiting my great grandma in her retirement home.

My "Times I've masturbated" to "Times I've gotten laid" ratio is nowhere near even.

I would totally bang Chelsea Handler if she was hammered drunk and thought I was black.

The bad part about running? Nipple chaffing. My nipples are as sensitive as a woman on her period.

A bar filled with 40 year old men wearing affliction and ed hardy with frosted blond hair is my hell.

I love when someone has their card declined they proclaim "I can't believe this! That card has thousands of dollars on it!"

Bitch if I said I want something delicious and wholesome and you brought me McDonalds I would fire your ass.

Don't know if I should be impressed that a group of 14 year old girls were hollering at me while I was running, or be upset.

Top 5 Reasons I'm Single:
1. I'm white.
2. My penis isn't on porn star status.
3. Government conspiracy.
4. Justin Bieber.
5. Jesus