Super hot girl just moved in next door so I'd say I have about 3 days before somehow I'm getting yelled at for that.

My wife forgot her phone here at home. How will I know that the girls she works with are still bitches?

I sent a dick pic to my new crush, but I'm confused now because she sent one back. Twitter is confusing.

Got worried for a minute when I realized I didn't pay one of my bills. Then I remembered I don't have any money so it doesn't matter

Twitter is hard. First, you have to learn new joke formats. Then you have to figure out when to stop using it and start making fun of it.

Anybody can get stars w 1000 followers, but its way cooler w only 100 - what I tell myself as I refresh Favstar

I need to hire someone to follow me around and read my TL to me because I really do have shit I need to get done today.

My wife is arguing on the phone with her mother. I'm currently working on my "really? No way! That's crazy!" voice for when they're done.

I've been ignored by way hotter girls than you! Ok, not hotter, but definitely fatter. And drunker. And I forgot where I was going with this

When my wife says her back hurts, I automatically reply "mine too." Not cuz it does, but I'm not a massage therapist.

Blasting Nickleback with my windows down so that everyone else is in a bad mood too.

Hey guys, in case you haven't noticed, not every girl on here is asking for lame sexual comments. Try a little class every once in a while.

Headed to the in-laws tomorrow. If you see a mass murder, that was me. Or my wife. If I can pin it on her.

Just so we're clear co-worker, I don't need you to say "see you later" as we both leave a bathroom.

Going to the mall always reminds me that I am apparently the last person on the planet who still opens and holds a door for another person.

I think the term "we need to talk" was created so women could make men stop breathing.

Left a beer in the freezer last night. If anyone wants to come over for dinner, I'm serving Guinness flavored everything.

For being a bunch of unemployed, druggie, alcoholics, you guys sure seem to find money for premium channels and Favstar bonus features.

Twitter suggested I follow an ex-girlfriend. Shows how much they know. I follow her home every night already.

Checked Favstar. My "best" tweet is about peeing myself. I'm a little concerned about the group I associate with here