Sucks being attracted to smart girls, because they usually know better.

Twitter is the best thing to ever happen to commercial breaks.

That time you only saw one set of footprints? I was wearing my ninja shoes.

I'm not lazy, I'm fuel efficient.

I miss the days when I could still confuse a Baldwin with a Sheen.

All tweets are subtweets when you're a paranoid schizophrenic.

Favstar wouldn't mean shit to me, if it didn't show me who gave me those stars.

I swear if this coffee maker gets any slower, I'm going back to meth.

I was awkward before it was cool.

Wish it was easier to look up my earliest tweets, I know I was tweeting gold back when no one was listening.

Dammit tumblr, that's not what I meant when I said "Go down on me for Valentine's Day."

I'm only ironically giving a fuck.

Your mouth says no, but the voices say yes #worstpickuplines

Knowing the word ennui just makes it worse.

Never donkeypunch a gift unicorn in the mouth.

If you lose followers because of your tweets, at least you know someone's reading them.

You guys almost make me want to read a book tonight. Almost.

In the process of quitting smoking, I've begun to empathize with serial killers. We just need something to do with our hands.

I am concerned by my own lack of tweeting.

Do you keep hearing the sad trombone when you read tweets too?