"Does humor have gender?" obscure man asks. "Some tweets get 5 stars, all men, but some have up to 3 females fav." Oh God he's made a graph.

You drew the octopus doing curls with 2 arms and standing on the other 6. I'm sorry, our gym is not looking to hire idiots at this point.

Chinese are my kind of people. They found a simple tune & said "This is good enough for music. No need for anything new." for 3000 years.

Breaking up with me at the waterpark was very classless. You could see I was still attracted to you.

Make me an edible diorama of our trip to Albertsons.

I wish the fucking Simpsons hadn't turned Pray For Mojo into some stupid joke. That's a legit life philosophy.

I'd be that best kind of boyfriend who is only heard offscreen "Honey, are you shooting one of your Vines? I'm taking out the laundry."

Wow, you still bury your dead. So quaint. Hey Gretchen, look, they have tinytrees and everything. Oh yeah, flowers, wasn't it? Classic.

Humor as a defense mechanism starts to let you down around the fifth punch.

Sorry I found an evocative way to depict the two abortions you'd rather forget and added them to the stick figure family on your car.

The wedding was held in a meadow so, yes, at some point I put my cummerbund on some pussy willows. Jesus, grow up!

My memory-foam mattress appears withdrawn, refuses to socialize.

I've never followed anyone on Twitter that I don't hang out with in real life before. This is so new for me. How old are you?

What's this, a spice that doesn't give me heartburn? Yes, I noticed your dandruff problem as I said that. No, you can't take my plate back.

I'm relieved that the revolution will not be televised but I bet it's gonna fuck up the TV schedules for the following couple of weeks.

If you think it's hot when a guy orders for you at a restaurant, you'll probably flood your pants when I try to burp you.

Biggest fear is to get caught in my sweats so I'm unable to stab a street magician before he does his trick. You haven't touched your salad.

Every account of a date should at least five times say "I dutifully laughed."

My consultant, Enrico Palmer, at Shears Lounge helped me find the best haircut in my price range.

What if there was a pill that gave orgasms? OK, what if it had to be an injection, not a pill? OK, what if you had to be injected repeatedly