Psychopath test: “Are your bangs shorter than an inch?”

@ty_schutz Maybe I just tried to like this tweet and twitter wouldn't let me. I guess I shouldn't encourage alcoholism.

Who 8 all the pu$$y?

Raising money for my avocados-only restaurant. You like chips & guac? Then go somewhere else. Chips aren't made of avocados.

I think The Situation just valeted my car :(

@ty_schutz Me. Usually.

Maybe I already miss math.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Is enjoying indoor rock climbing recognized as a personality disorder yet?

I bet tonight on How I Met Your Mother, the mom turns out to be no one and Ted is in a mental hospital talking to a pineapple.

When I need a break from work I just put on a sombrero and select Mexico as my location on the fedex website.

Happy Mother's Day to the single mom I'll probably end up marrying.

I'm not a mom but one time I picked the wings off of a housefly so it couldn't leave me.

Happy Mother's Day, mom! I know you can see this because you're secretly stalking me from an anonymous account. Love you!

What is the polite way to bow out of a Skype when the other person IS SOUND ASLEEP

I’ve never seen Rob Lowe’s wiener but I bet it’s awesome.

Really enjoyed Zim Zames, the opener for Yim Yames and Jim James.

"There's no 'u' in 'favourite.'"
-Canadian breakup

I'd love to reach out to a friend in need but unfortunately I'm not friends with losers

IDEA: Some kind of really good canyon.