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If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I'm gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.
"Here, let me fuck it up for you." - Every kid ever
If my wife can put her dildo in the dishwasher, I should be able to put my dick in the cleaning lady.
My one & only twitter rule is don't forget who helped you out along the way.
I love that thing you do when we're both laying in bed & you roll over & you shut the fuck up & you go to sleep. I love that.
The wife thinks I can fit 20 pounds of stuffing into a 13 pound turkey. That would explain those jeans she's wearing.
Before I go to bed each night, I tie my wife's shoe laces together to slow her down just in case the zombie apocalypse begins.
My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.
Women should come with a cheat code. Wait, they do. It's called tequila.
Whenever I fill my car with gas, I always have to spit on the nozzle before I put it in the tank. I gotta quit watching so much porn.
If you think it's tough getting a toddler potty trained, try teaching a 92 year old man how to double click a mouse. What the fuck, Grandpa!
When I tell a customer to have a great day, what I really mean is I hope Satan fucks your asshole with a porcupine coated in hot wing sauce.
"Choosy mother fuckers choose Jif." - Samuel Jackson for Jif
When I'm having sex with the wife & I'm trying not to cum, I think about her.
Apparently it's not "cool" to RT or @ people so if my life ever becomes that pathetic I have to judge somebody elses TL, fucking shoot me.
I'll let you in on a little secret. Not all the shit you read on twitter is the truth, so lighten the fuck up.
Apparently yelling, "Hey, Kool-Aid" when the wife unveils her new red nighty just confirms that I'll be sleeping on the couch again tonight.
You don't shit where you eat unless it's at a Taco Bell because you won't make it home in time.
I look young for my rage.
It's never a good idea to threaten to bang your wife's sister in an arguement. It doesn't help either that she has been dead for 2 years.