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I ripped out all my pubic hair by the roots with hot fuckin wax...you better fuckin eat it like a hobo on a ham sandwich
I punched a haunted house actor once. so yeah, I think I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse
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Coffee came to $1.83.
I gave her $2.08.
The look of terror on her face said it all.
She said "Fuck it, it's free".
You know your penis is small.. When you can't even use it to hitchhike.
When you hurt, I hurt.
Just kidding. Fuck your problems.
As a child we learn to walk. As an adult we learn to walk away.
I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever.
I wish I knew a Jedi.
My medium sized penis is here for you when you're ready to be realistic.
Settle down, nomads, settle down.
There's nothing like screaming kids in public to remind me I'm capable of murder.
"What do we want?!"
"When do we want it?!" "IRRELEVANT!"
Finally read 50 shades and am really disgusted.
People told me there would be porn
Have these folks actually read porn?
Where's my porn?
Twitter crushes, you can't eat just one!
Why do caffeine free things exist?
I wish people would stop bothering me when I'm working very hard at trying not to work
I just accidentally inhaled koolaid dust, so if I come busting through your wall you know why.
The stairway to hell is paved with stars.
If there was a scale to measure how itchy my balls were
I'd be scratching them with it.