My favorite women on twitter are the ones that are women.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All you guys want a squirter.

Until the reality of all that laundry hits you.

My girlfriend just told me, "You retweet harder than you fuck".

Most people wish for happiness or money, but me, I wish men would stop wearing fucking skinny jeans.

I don't give a shit about anyone except those that give a shit about me.

I get it, brave women in labor...
This morning, I had a poop baby. Let me tell YOU- it was a fiery HELL of a thousand swords IN my asshole!

Bringing follower avi’s together. Hairless ballsac, have you met gaping asshole?

I like to make the "neck cutter" motion to any child or elderly person that makes eye contact with me in public.

"What the Fuck is this Shit"~ me, way to many times a day!

My grandma said the Internet has completely ruined people's ability to communicate properly. I told her she didn't know fuck about shit.

Everyone complains about the weather but no one ever wants to sacrifice a virgin about it.

I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

No, please, by all means believe every fucking thing I tweet.

Someone from facebook just called me a twigger!

Just sneezed so hard my butt plug flew across the room striking the cat in the head.
Rip Whiskers

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I'm shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

Here. Hold my grudge. I've gotta use the restroom.

People are not heroes for doing what’s right. A true hero is rare, like the guy who first looked at pussy and thought I better taste this.

You made your wet spot, now lay in it.

I'm not waiting for the world to change. I'm waiting for the liquor store to open.