The Bi-Polar Express #childrensbooksmademoreexciting

Little-known ironic fact: actor Judge Reinhold’s father is a real judge, the honorable judge Actor Reinhold.

@pattonoswalt my dad is a lawyer #hippiethreats

@pattonoswalt coincidentally, my mom loves Dream Water, and by Dream Water, I mean vodka

Pittsburgh = 2(nah^4) + hey^3 + goodbye

Hashtags are passé. Hipsters use stachetags {stachetag

MARKETING TIP: You can combine part of a month with any words to create your own non-thing (e.g., Rocktober, Februany, Lana Del May)

Can't talk. I'm inventing a new type of karate.

When is it too late to become an extreme unicyclist?

Oh, that's who sings that song I hate. #grammys

I want to curl up into a ball but I'm terrified of giant cats.

At this point it's pretty obvious to me that @charliesheen is a Highlander.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who know toilet paper should always unfurl from the top and monsters.

HBO’s new show GIRLS is truly ground breaking. Who would’ve ever thought to follow four white women in NYC?!

Bad news. The Easter bunny saw his shadow. Five thousand more years of Christianity.

A glance is not a good look.

In 2084, President Kardashian will announce that "we are like literally Chinese now."

I have terrible news. LL Cool J is in critical condition after licking his own lips off. #grammys

Birds ate my face.

You see, guys? Nothing can ever happen to affect our relatively tiny and defenseless rock slinging through space at 18 miles per second.