So let me get this straight, when I put a guy’s flesh in my mouth at church it’s “communion” but when I do it at a truck stop its a sin

"My God, what are they doing to that dead horse?"

"Oh, that's just twitter."

Its the remix to ignition/steve jobs hope cash edition/we had them 10 years ago/and the words that their names means definitions

Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?

What the fuck am I still doing on this website.

Twitter: Come for jokes. Stay because you've made friends. Leave because you've run out of jokes & realized that they aren't real friends.

When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bitch you look desperate.

I rolled down the car window for the first time in six months and the sun reached into the car and turned on John Cougar Mellencamp.

Never talk shit about Zack Braff because he might be in the room wearing a shirt with the same pattern as your wallpaper

all the wrong people have self esteem

I want transition lenses that turn black whenever someone starts talking to me.

Timmy would have been fucked if Lassie were a cat. She'd just look at him down in the well, yawn and turn around to show him her asshole.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min...)
Me: Hi I'm Beyonce

I'll probably never take a first date to a llama farm, but if I ever do, alpaca lunch.

The way I see it is that you don't have a responsibility to make the world a better place, but you are required to make it suck less.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.

sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we're going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

I'm the worst

Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.