A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

@emilyfaye2 @untresor NOT MY BEST BUTTING INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S @ CONVERSATION.

What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?

@untresor Nailed it.

We should call the KKK "Triple K" like AAA. I hate this tweet. I hated it before I even hit send.

PARKOUR MOTHERFUCKER!!

*walks from couch to front door in bathrobe to grab $7 pizza from delivery guy*

1.) No shirt
2.) No shoes
3.) Matthew McConaughey

I wish my kids fought like cats and dogs because then they'd just stare at each other aggressively from across the room while snarling.

Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

@untresor right?! Some nice non human yet human contact. Just a simple hey ya know? I get it.

@untresor fuck you.

@untresor sup

Heart-wrenching scene in new Fast & Furious when Vin Diesel docks with Paul Walker & cum blasts him out of the flaming wreckage of a Viper.

A kid at my daughter's school asked me if I was her big sister so now I'm making her date him.

Crocs, when used as birth control, are 100% effective.

For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"

As badly as I was bullied growing up, I never let it stop me from becoming who I am today: the biggest pussy in all of Gayrod City

Jerry Lewis, Adam Carolla & Daniel Tosh walk into a bar & the female bartender asks what they're having & then poisons all of their drinks.

After years of heading into the woods in little uniforms w/o women to study Fitness, Theater & Leatherwork, the BSA is FINALLY gay-friendly!

Never do I wish I had the ability to foam at the mouth on demand more than when mall kiosk workers try and talk to me as I walk by.