I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I fuck fat chicks.

What do you do when your ex is in your front lawn limping and bleeding? Relax, stay calm, reload and shoot again.

Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have and be proud of, but please don't whip it out in public and shove it down my throat.

Nothing gets you outa bed like a giant fucking wolf spider on your arm. What hangover? Lets do this!

Tweeting on painkillers is only awesome to the tweeter. I do not appologize ahead of time.

I got 99 followers, but a bitch aint one....

I bet Kermits' fingers taste like pulled pork.

I accidentally faved one of my own tweets. Think I'll leave it. I've always wanted to look like an anal bead.

Today is my 30th Birthday! I hope my next 30 are just as intense. Promiscuous for life baby!

How can I be so thirsty this morning when I drank so much last night?

Do you have any small condoms? - Things you should never ask...ever.

If I can see your entire Camel Toe or Moose Knuckle at the gym, you're probably extremely intelligent. Except the opposite.

Im going out with a Ukranian stripper tomorrow night. If I die, tell my family I'm awesome. #textsfromlastnight

Everyone has their own way of pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. I do a dramatic moon walk followed by a pelvic thrust.

That awkward moment when Rebecca Black doesn't know which seat to take...

Apparently you're supposed to tell the other person when you're playing dodge ball...

I would clone myself just for the amazing sex we'd have. Nobody does it like me.

My workout consists of pretending I'm the drummer for Guttermouth. That's it.

Just got smacked in the face by a giant bumble bee. Can you say Cardiac Arrest? I think I pee'd a little too...

I'm not gonna say it smells like anal sex and cabbage in my parents room. I refuse...