@the_helenkeller Even if he did, you wouldn't be able to catch them..

When your parents are drunk, ask them for money.

No one is who they seem, ever. Remember that.

If the best defense is a good offense, I'm going to start raping people. Police question me I'll say "Just taking preventative measures."

I'm a generous motherfucker, I don't ask for much. I really don't. So when I'm doing you a favor and you refuse to get me back, get fucked.

You still "touch yourself"? How adorable. I've been masturbating purely for sport since 2003.

@asisclochavez @is_anyone_up What was it like on the set of Indian in the Cupboard?

I'll bump that new T Swift single all damn day.

It puzzles me to no end why I can't quote a tweet via web. Why is that a mobile-only feature? Or am I a retard and there is a simple way how

It's interesting how certain songs remind you of a certain phase in your life.

If I'm not a good fucking friend I don't know who is. I give out favors like middle school sluts do handjobs.

If you still eat boogers for the taste, you're a simpleton, it's the rich texture you should be indulging on.

So drunk last night I thought my dad was a cabbie. We pulled into my garage and I asked him to wait while I went inside to grab some money.

I know a girl who sucked on rocks frequently as a toddler. Who knew 16 years later and her habits would change only by one letter.

"@theebluemeanie: #YOLO is a thing I wish #GeorgeCarlin was alive to tear apart." That, and social networking in general. He just missed it.

Your existence is as disappointing as the cheap cherry flavored condom that allowed it.

Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy

"@sluttypiff: i suck @ HJs. i just end up sucking." The only person that can give you a worthwhile handjob is yourself.

YA BOY HAD A THREESOME, FOR THOSE WHO COULDN'T DECIPHER MY PREVIOUS TWEET.

Watching the news scares the fucking shit out of me.