Sorry I disappeared for a few days there, someone I'm related to found me on Twitter and I had to drive cross country to end their life.

this porn site the other day found NINE people in my area that wanted to fuck me at that very moment. Technology is amazing.

Does anyone else notice faces in the linoleum or tile on the bathroom floor when you're taking a shit?

When someone brings a box of donuts into the office its exactly like Unicef dropping a crate of food from the sky in Darfur.

Before company comes over I wipe the dust off the hand soap pump in the bathroom.

people who do yoga, we get it... you're better than us now fuck off!

I can't be the only one who hesitates when capitalizing the word "God"

the best way to identify a piece of white trash is by their tazmanian devil tattoo

I'm Canadian, it doesn't matter how cold it is I will get a slurpee. So fuck you.

I wish alcohol companies would stop telling me to drink responsibly, I'm not going to.

Like in Dexter, I cover the room in plastic before I beat off.

somewhere in the world right now a carny is lying in a bunk bed passed out holding a cigarette with a one inch ash hanging on for dear life.

Just once when someone dies I want family & friends to say "well, he was an ok guy.. could be an asshole at times.. he'll be missed I guess"

I hate when I ruin my clean ass with a post shower shit.

The worst five minutes of my life was watching the Billy Bob Thornton/Halle Berry sex scene in Monster's Ball with my Dad when I was 17.

tight jeans, check. ugg boots, check. temperature too hot for boots, check. unoriginal bitch, check.

Found out today that if you wear sunglasses, a hoodie, and haven't shaved in 4 days that ALOT of people ask for a smoke from you.

I always live each day like it's my last, I inject myself with embalming fluid each morning and lay down in a box.

Man, Caillou's mom has horrible tits.

Ladies, I only let you out of the elevator first so I can stare at your ass. I'm not a gentleman, I'm a pervert.