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I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Target car park.
The best way to keep a woman happy for the rest of her life is to make her laugh.
When you find someone that accepts, understands, and truly loves the crazy in you, do everything you can to never lose them.
Sometimes you have to burn those fucking bridges just to make sure you never return.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
If you think I’m doing Twitter wrong you should see the way I do relationships.
Never misinterpret the amount of ink someone has on their body as a lack of intelligence, compassion and understanding.
The worst thing about hitting rock bottom is finding a shovel and a note that says ‘keep digging motherfucker’.
If you're ever looking for a partner that's truly loyal, I'd suggest you visit an animal shelter and pick out a puppy.
It might be the darkness in my heart that is so addicted to the light in yours.
They’re just words but sometimes they heal and sometimes they mend and sometimes they burn.
I only get disappointed by people when I have high expectations, or low expectations, or just expectations.
My favorite yoga position is where I lie on the floor with my teddy bear and fall asleep.
I'd give up ice cream forever to have you wake up next to me for the rest of my life.
If your girlfriends severe mood swings don’t make you want to run into oncoming traffic, she’s probably a fucking keeper.
Being an adult is when you have more nightmares while awake than you do when asleep.
I imagine being voted sexiest man on Twitter is the equivalent to being voted best looking bitch in a maximum security prison.
Its so relaxing skipping stones over a pond until the acid wears off and you're just tossing bricks over your neighbors fence into his pool.
You can call your girlfriend moody, difficult, even hard work, but that's all insignificant if you can call her your best friend.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she's going to show you what a bitch really is.
Surfing, meditating, drinking ayahuasca, dropping acid, robbing banks and reciting Lao Tzu's The Tao Te Ching.