my tweets can be funny if you read them in the right tone or not at all.

Your pick up lines make my vagina seal shut like a zip lock bag.

In modern relationships, killing spiders is the new slaying dragons.

'Well, that was embarrassing. I'm never doing that again.'

- Not enough people

I desire more of you, and less of everything else.

My ex-girlfriend was a real Butterpersonalitydisorder.

The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most. And then using it against them.

Her: I love you, bike
Me: ...
Her: Mom, pretend to be the bike
Me: *bike voice* I love you too

Women don't forgive. They wait.

We'll live happily ever after you leave.

Twitter. Or: delusions of candour.

Sometimes, I feel. Sometimes, I'm numb. Sometimes, I fight. Sometimes, I surrender. Sometimes, I hate. But always, I love someone, something

It took no words to say it all

My family crest is two rampant dachshunds and a knocked over bong.

A hot fireman just totally flirted with me. Does the 3 day rule apply before I start the next fire?

Why don't you slip into something more vagina

Trophy my soul.

Misery loves cuntery.

Inspirational tweet:
Hit the retweet button, you thieving fuck.

You can tell a lot about a person by the exit wound.