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my tweets can be funny if you read them in the right tone or not at all.
Your pick up lines make my vagina seal shut like a zip lock bag.
In modern relationships, killing spiders is the new slaying dragons.
'Well, that was embarrassing. I'm never doing that again.'
- Not enough people
I desire more of you, and less of everything else.
My ex-girlfriend was a real Butterpersonalitydisorder.
The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most. And then using it against them.
Her: I love you, bike
Her: Mom, pretend to be the bike
Me: *bike voice* I love you too
Women don't forgive. They wait.
We'll live happily ever after you leave.
Twitter. Or: delusions of candour.
Sometimes, I feel. Sometimes, I'm numb. Sometimes, I fight. Sometimes, I surrender. Sometimes, I hate. But always, I love someone, something
It took no words to say it all
My family crest is two rampant dachshunds and a knocked over bong.
A hot fireman just totally flirted with me. Does the 3 day rule apply before I start the next fire?
Why don't you slip into something more vagina
Trophy my soul.
Misery loves cuntery.
Hit the retweet button, you thieving fuck.
You can tell a lot about a person by the exit wound.
I'll tell you what we could do. You be me for awhile and I'll be you. (18+ only, please)