I wouldn't even know what to do during a threesome. Jazz hands, probably.

One of those songs was so unnecessarily sad, I mailed my dog to Sarah McLachlan. #oscars

Text like everyone on the bus hates you, dance like you drunkenly lost a prosthetic & love like you're court-ordered not to.

WRONG: "He axed me a question." RIGHT: "He hatcheted me for my base ignorance."

If the bottle says "stool softener" I always hide the furniture. I don't want any more of that Salvador Dali shit happening around here.

You think you're the straightest man in the world, & then "Stayin' Alive" comes pulsating through the speakers at free skate.

The guy who whistled the theme to "The Andy Griffith Show?" He had his shit together.

Sex Rehab should really be called Caught Rehab.

Ron Paul wants to blurt out that he has pine needles in his pockets. But something tells him that'd be crazy, even for him. #tweetthepress

You young people won't remember this, but at one time America's biggest problem was shoppers orgiastically squeezing rolls of toilet paper.

A frightening number of people believe when they're driving by themselves the car is magically transformed into an Invisible Boogertorium.

"I. Did not. Have sex. With those sexy, sexy white women with the UH! and the POW! and the WHAMMOSCALAMMO!" - press conference rehearsal #1

Flatten your tongue over your lower lip. Now make a crazy cry-face. Hold that pose and laugh. Congratulations! You are now Robert De Niro.

I keep poking Facebook, but it just lies there.

Turns out "awesomesauce" is just Hollandaise with a pinch of glitter.

Bin Laden's Neighbor: He seemed quiet, kept to himself.

Where's the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form?

Whispered "you're not my real dad" through the mail slot to the postman today. "No, I'm not," he whispered back, cryptically.

Is it possible that laptop makers intentionally made heat transfer to the lap so intensely that it would make nerds sterile? Think about it.

A "Nerdy Sanchez" is when you slip a pair of tortoise-shell glasses over your lover's face from behind at the crucial intimate moment.