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Whispered "you're not my real dad" through the mail slot to the postman today. "No, I'm not," he whispered back, cryptically.
I wouldn't even know what to do during a threesome. Jazz hands, probably.
A "Nerdy Sanchez" is when you slip a pair of tortoise-shell glasses over your lover's face from behind at the crucial intimate moment.
If you think this is good, wait til you see how it's presented by "The Newsroom" in Season Six.
One of those songs was so unnecessarily sad, I mailed my dog to Sarah McLachlan. #oscars
You think you're the straightest man in the world, & then "Stayin' Alive" comes pulsating through the speakers at free skate.
Text like everyone on the bus hates you, dance like you drunkenly lost a prosthetic & love like you're court-ordered not to.
WRONG: "He axed me a question." RIGHT: "He hatcheted me for my base ignorance."
If the bottle says "stool softener" I always hide the furniture. I don't want any more of that Salvador Dali shit happening around here.
Thirty cardinals surround Ron Jeremy's hospital bed. "Get better, schmuck," they say. "It's you."
The guy who whistled the theme to "The Andy Griffith Show?" He had his shit together.
Facebook would be worth $100/share if it only provided "Hell No" "Dislike X Infinity" "No Memory of You" and "Again With The Jesus" buttons.
Sex Rehab should really be called Caught Rehab.
If this election season has taught us anything, it's that politicians have no notion where terrorists, babies, money or jobs come from.
Old Pope Will Count Against Vatican's Salary Cap Next Season, Hampering Team's Efforts To Acquire Big Free Agent In Off-Season
You young people won't remember this, but at one time America's biggest problem was shoppers orgiastically squeezing rolls of toilet paper.
Ron Paul wants to blurt out that he has pine needles in his pockets. But something tells him that'd be crazy, even for him. #tweetthepress
A giant ribbon blew off my Lexus and caused a six car pile-up on Route 88 with two fatalities. This really HAS been a December To Remember.