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Went to McDonald's, bought a McDouble, dropped a McPickle on my McTits and now I'm McPissed.
I understand that you miss your boyfriend. I also understand that he left 30 mins ago. What I'm trying to say is, get the fuck off Facebook.
Marilyn Monroe: Let a woman who had affairs with married men and who eventually killed herself, be a role model for self esteem.
You got into a wreck while sending a text that read "where r" and you mean to tell me you didn't have brain damage prior to the accident?
My mother keeps taking the morning after pill. She's 23 years too late. I'm not leaving, bitch.
I had to get rid of a girlfriend because my cat was allergic.
*talking to friend about unattractive woman "dude....you should fuck her. Take one for the team. I bet she smells like cabbage."*
Did y'all know a dick piercing doubles as a rape whistle?
I smell my cat to make him feel more comfortable around me. That's not weird, right?
Whenever I inadvertently trip over or kick my cat, I proceed to scare him further by chasing him around the house screaming apologies at him
I wonder if anyone has ever been murdered by being tricked into thinking they're in a fabreeze commercial? "Put this on and come smell this"
Yellin "there's my keys!" And pretending to grab them from someone's ass while they're bent over isnt proper workplace behavior. Apparently.
If I had a blow job for every time I got a nickel...
And apparently, that's how you get blocked :)
Apparently yelling "why don't you order a supersized McFuckYourself?" At a bitch who cuts in line will get you banned from McDonalds.
I'm going to bring back the term "that's tight." Because, fuck you. That's tight.
If you have a minivan, handicapped plates, or a car more than 15 years old, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!
Hey, guy who just sent me a DM! How bad are those rumors going around about me? I bet I can top them.
Interesting fact, my avi was taken in a waffle house bathroom. I also love cats. Make that 36 interesting facts.