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I hope I live long enough to witness the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile drive through a tunnel.
Something tells me I will never deliver an acceptance speech.
Wow, 3 hours and 58 minute erection; boy, was that cutting it close.
Regardless of how I die, my wife did it.
Captain Hook's wife was the first woman to have her nipples pierced.
Necrophilia is mourning sex.
One thing I have learned recently, you can't wear yoga pants over Depends®.
I have been refused clearance on my wife's landing strip.
My wife wants to renew our vows. What a surprise, I didn't know they had expired.
My friends fat girlfriend insisted on showing me her "belly ring". I laughed and called it a "gut hook". Can someone give me a ride home?
My favorite position is perverse cowgirl.
If I had wanted to fuck it up I would have done it myself.
The drinking age at my house is 4:30,
Here in the south size doesn't matter, but caliber does.
Once you squirt mayonnaise from a bottle you will never go back to a jar, or ever eat mayonnaise again.
Spoiler: this all ends with us wearing orange jump suits.
Nine dollars for a "Panini"? It's a fucking grilled cheese sandwich!
My wife is a size zero, anyone seen her?
Yeah, I have hard water. It's called Scotch.
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