zombie sock monkey
#Deadyourself now join The #WalkingDead  http://deadyourself.com/  pic.twitter.com/ZRpQTksH

I hope I live long enough to witness the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile drive through a tunnel.

Something tells me I will never deliver an acceptance speech.

Wow, 3 hours and 58 minute erection; boy, was that cutting it close.

Captain Hook's wife was the first woman to have her nipples pierced.

Necrophilia is mourning sex.

One thing I have learned recently, you can't wear yoga pants over Depends®.

Regardless of how I die, my wife did it.

I have been refused clearance on my wife's landing strip.

My wife wants to renew our vows. What a surprise, I didn't know they had expired.

My friends fat girlfriend insisted on showing me her "belly ring". I laughed and called it a "gut hook". Can someone give me a ride home?

My favorite position is perverse cowgirl.

If I had wanted to fuck it up I would have done it myself.

The drinking age at my house is 4:30,

Once you squirt mayonnaise from a bottle you will never go back to a jar, or ever eat mayonnaise again.

Here in the south size doesn't matter, but caliber does.

Nine dollars for a "Panini"? It's a fucking grilled cheese sandwich!

Yeah, I have hard water. It's called Scotch.

My wife is a size zero, anyone seen her?

Marriage between no-sex couples has been legal for ages.