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Them: "You have a pretty smile and nice teeth."
Me: "Stop looking at my skeleton."
If you came and she didn't, you didn't fuck her, she fucked you.
The word "tsunami" isn't in my phone's dictionary, so if I send you a text that says "Trumang!!" get the fuck off the beach!
Be with someone who can make you laugh and feel safe.
Date a clown ninja.
I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Not only do I have mood swings, I have the whole playground. There's even a bouncy castle.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die"
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I don't expect everything in life to be handed to me. Just set it down next to me or whatever.
"In Genesis it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!"
Um no, stupid. It was Phil Collins, Tony Banks, Mike Rutherford, and Peter Gabriel.
How to stop time: Kiss
How to travel in time: Read
How to escape time: Music
How to feel time: Write
How to waste time: Twitter
Just found this new app that tells you which of your family members are racist. It's called Facebook.
I'm a simple person with a complicated mind.
The world has just enough assholes strategically placed so that you come across one everyday.
You guys are silly.
*puts helmet back on and rides off on a tricycle*
If a man can't make you wet either through laughter or sexual arousal, there's no point in having him around.
Jesus watches you masturbate.
Sometimes he does it with you.
I'm dyslexic, agnostic, and an insomniac. I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Let me know when you're available so I can make sure I'm busy.
I only appeal to a small, select group, of very confused people.
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive the situation. I almost died during Finding Nemo.
I like setting things on fire. Instagram - UnicornSyrup86
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