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Don't lie to me. Don't lead me on. Don't replace me. Don't give me a reason to doubt you. Don't be like everyone else.
I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
The 5 second rule starts over if you drop it again as you pick it up.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself on a millionaire's doorstep?
Just finished baby-proofing my house. I must have spent over $1,000 on barbed wire, but there's no way a baby is getting in this house now.
If you're cold, they're cold. Bring your animals and husbands inside.
Cracking open your skull with a rubber mallet would be like giving birth to a world of fun.
There's no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you perfectly fine the first time.
My superpower is driving people crazy with just words.
This ramen tastes a whole lot like broken dreams and wishes that didn't come true.
Yesterday was my birthday and I got no birthday sex. I'm gonna need one of you to make up for it.
If I had 3 wishes, I'd use one to make sure everyone proofread their tweets before sending them.
I could shave my legs everyday and still miss the exact same spot.
You know the sex was good when you can still feel it the next day. The soreness that makes you smile whenever you move.
I don't live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to about a week before paycheck.
You never leave my mind, even when I have a million things to worry about.
Due to the economy, things are so bad that women are actually fucking their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON'T CLICK ON IT! It's a link to download the new Nickelback single
There's a person or 3 cats out there for everyone.
A blond was watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a crash. she cried and asked "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"
I like setting things on fire. Instagram - UnicornSyrup86