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I don't think we need a president. What if we all just promise to behave ourselves?
I tried to plug my charger into the wrong hole. Siri was like "STOP. I don't do that."
Behind every successful person, there's a deactivated Twitter account.
I'm not saying I'm a giant fatass, but when I stepped on the scale, it told me I had a great personality.
Nothing in the world can bother you as much as your own mind.
"In Genesis it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!"
Um no, stupid. It was Phil Collins, Tony Banks, Mike Rutherford, and Peter Gabriel.
I like to blame my problems on other people because there's no "I" in responsibility. Okay, so there is but that's not my fault.
If you text me "plz" instead of "please" because it's shorter, I'll reply with "no" instead of "yes" because it's shorter.
While I was buying a lottery ticket, a girl in front of me goes "900 million, that's close to a trillion, right?!"
Not enough facepalms.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor's ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I always keep "Get Well Soon" cards laying around my house so people will just think I was too ill to clean.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1"
Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100"
Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000"
Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I bet Santa does weird shit when he delivers presents...like rubs your toothbrush on his balls.
When it comes to gifts, if I can't eat it, wear it, or fuck it, I don't want it.
Unless it's money. I love money.
It doesn't matter if you've been naughty or nice because that Elf on the Shelf is going to murder you and your whole family while you sleep.
Balloons are weird. It's like "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic sack of my breath"
Eating clocks is very time consuming.
I'm glad the person who came up with "No means no" didn't do the whole dictionary.
Netflix and chill? Nah. How about...
IMAX and climax
HULU and do you
Amazon Prime and sexy time
YouTube and squeeze my boobs
I like setting things on fire. Instagram - UnicornSyrup86
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