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I'm dyslexic, agnostic, and an insomniac. I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Let me know when you're available so I can make sure I'm busy.
I only appeal to a small, select group, of very confused people.
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive the situation. I almost died during Finding Nemo.
Everything that is worth fighting for, is worth fighting dirty for.
I hate it when sentences don't end the way you expect them potato.
I love punching people when I see a Volkswagen beetle, and God help them when we pass a Volkswagen dealership.
Such a shame to see such a nice ass on such a pretty girl with a shitty personality.
If you kiss her just right, the clothes fall off by themselves.
I hate when cashiers make remarks.
Cashier: "That's a lot of food. Someone's hungry!"
Me: "Why don't you shut your whore mouth, Kimberly?"
I notice everything that starts to change. I wish I wasn't so observant and I wish I didn't care.
Trail Mix is just M&M's with obstacles.
If life gives you a cookie, it's probably about to kick you in the shin and take the cookie back and eat it while you're down.
Don't brag about it, come show me.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1"
Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100"
Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000"
Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I'll only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time, I assume it didn't take and you're a demon that must be destroyed.
Hold me tight and kiss me hard.
Due to the economy, things are so bad that women are actually fucking their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
A blond was watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a crash. she cried and asked "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"
Sometimes it's comforting to know that no matter how much stress and worry I face, one day I'll be dead and it won't matter anymore.
I like setting things on fire. Instagram - UnicornSyrup86
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