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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life.
If I die by next Wednesday.
Just found this new app that tells you which of your family members are racist. It's called Facebook.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die"
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
So ummmm....I got the job.
"I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled "Ninja School", followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School"
If a woman says "don't worry about it", you better fucking worry about it.
Whatever, I'm not lazy. I just really enjoy not doing things.
WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON'T CLICK ON IT! It's a link to download the new Nickelback single
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
I'm a lot like bacon. I smell good, I taste good and I'll slowly kill you.
My super power is getting crushes on people I'll never ever be able to see or touch.
Vans are for people who have kids or for people who shouldn't go anywhere near kids.
Whenever people say "anything is possible", I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
When I was a teenager, my idea of flirting was touching my crushes thumb during "Heads Up, Seven Up"
I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
That moment when you can take a deep breath and remember "oh yeah, that's why things happened that way" and go on about your business.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor's ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When I tweet about love, I'm thinking about you.
I guess there won't be any Spaghetti Tuesday after all.
I like setting things on fire. Instagram - UnicornSyrup86