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If I had 3 wishes, I'd use one to make sure everyone proofread their tweets before sending them.
I could shave my legs everyday and still miss the exact same spot.
You know the sex was good when you can still feel it the next day. The soreness that makes you smile whenever you move.
I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I don't live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to about a week before paycheck.
You never leave my mind, even when I have a million things to worry about.
Due to the economy, things are so bad that women are actually fucking their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON'T CLICK ON IT! It's a link to download the new Nickelback single
There's a person or 3 cats out there for everyone.
A blond was watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a crash. she cried and asked "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"
Just found this new app that tells you which of your family members are racist. It's called Facebook.
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide.
Men shouldn't worry when women argue with them. They should worry when they stop.
Some 12 year olds are dumb.
Some 27 year olds are dumb.
Some 50 year olds are dumb.
Age has nothing to do with it. Some people are just dumb
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1"
Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100"
Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000"
Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Pretty words aren't always true and true words aren't always pretty.
I know what I bring to the table and I'm not afraid to eat alone.
You say your girlfriend is one in a million. That means there's 37 of her in California.
I just finished watching all 8 seasons of Dexter and now I'm ready to be a serial killer.
I like setting things on fire. Instagram - UnicornSyrup86