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If you text me "plz" instead of "please" because it's shorter, I'll reply with "no" instead of "yes" because it's shorter.
While I was buying a lottery ticket, a girl in front of me goes "900 million, that's close to a trillion, right?!"
Not enough facepalms.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor's ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I always keep "Get Well Soon" cards laying around my house so people will just think I was too ill to clean.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1"
Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100"
Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000"
Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I bet Santa does weird shit when he delivers presents...like rubs your toothbrush on his balls.
When it comes to gifts, if I can't eat it, wear it, or fuck it, I don't want it.
Unless it's money. I love money.
It doesn't matter if you've been naughty or nice because that Elf on the Shelf is going to murder you and your whole family while you sleep.
Balloons are weird. It's like "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic sack of my breath"
Eating clocks is very time consuming.
I'm glad the person who came up with "No means no" didn't do the whole dictionary.
Netflix and chill? Nah. How about...
IMAX and climax
HULU and do you
Amazon Prime and sexy time
YouTube and squeeze my boobs
I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
The only thing I like about Black Friday is hearing about all the violence the next day.
Them: "You have a pretty smile and nice teeth."
Me: "Stop looking at my skeleton."
If you came and she didn't, you didn't fuck her, she fucked you.
The word "tsunami" isn't in my phone's dictionary, so if I send you a text that says "Trumang!!" get the fuck off the beach!
Be with someone who can make you laugh and feel safe.
Date a clown ninja.
Not only do I have mood swings, I have the whole playground. There's even a bouncy castle.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die"
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I like setting things on fire. Instagram - UnicornSyrup86
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