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You never leave my mind, even when I have a million things to worry about.
Due to the economy, things are so bad that women are actually fucking their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON'T CLICK ON IT! It's a link to download the new Nickelback single
There's a person or 3 cats out there for everyone.
A blond was watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a crash. she cried and asked "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"
Just found this new app that tells you which of your family members are racist. It's called Facebook.
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide.
Men shouldn't worry when women argue with them. They should worry when they stop.
Some 12 year olds are dumb.
Some 27 year olds are dumb.
Some 50 year olds are dumb.
Age has nothing to do with it. Some people are just dumb
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1"
Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100"
Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000"
Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Pretty words aren't always true and true words aren't always pretty.
I know what I bring to the table and I'm not afraid to eat alone.
You say your girlfriend is one in a million. That means there's 37 of her in California.
I just finished watching all 8 seasons of Dexter and now I'm ready to be a serial killer.
I'm at the "what can I do with a can of corn and a jar of peanut butter" stage of needing groceries.
Balloons are weird. It's like "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic sack of my breath"
If I ever won the lottery, I'd still be the same person I am today. However, my poor decisions will become much more epic.
I can levitate for short periods of time. Some call it jumping.
I like setting things on fire. Instagram - UnicornSyrup86