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Trail Mix is just M&M's with obstacles.
If life gives you a cookie, it's probably about to kick you in the shin and take the cookie back and eat it while you're down.
Don't brag about it, come show me.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1"
Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100"
Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000"
Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I'll only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time, I assume it didn't take and you're a demon that must be destroyed.
Hold me tight and kiss me hard.
Due to the economy, things are so bad that women are actually fucking their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
A blond was watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a crash. she cried and asked "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"
Sometimes it's comforting to know that no matter how much stress and worry I face, one day I'll be dead and it won't matter anymore.
Don't lie to me. Don't lead me on. Don't replace me. Don't give me a reason to doubt you. Don't be like everyone else.
I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
The 5 second rule starts over if you drop it again as you pick it up.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself on a millionaire's doorstep?
Just finished baby-proofing my house. I must have spent over $1,000 on barbed wire, but there's no way a baby is getting in this house now.
If you're cold, they're cold. Bring your animals and husbands inside.
Cracking open your skull with a rubber mallet would be like giving birth to a world of fun.
There's no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you perfectly fine the first time.
My superpower is driving people crazy with just words.
This ramen tastes a whole lot like broken dreams and wishes that didn't come true.
Yesterday was my birthday and I got no birthday sex. I'm gonna need one of you to make up for it.
I like setting things on fire. Instagram - UnicornSyrup86
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