I just killed a spider with my girlfriend's bare hands.

Am I the only guy who slaps a vagina with my cock to scare any potential spiders out before entering.

Emotions? Is that the white stuff that comes out of me when I'm happy?

I hate it when my dog stares at me while I'm masturbating. I always feel bad then I have to jerk him off as well.

None of your tweets are original, they're all just tweets I hadn't thought of yet.

If Waldo ever hides next to a G-spot, we're all screwed.

I'm gonna track down my non-Favstar using followers, knock on their doors holding a Favstar booklet and say; "Have you heard the good news?"

Sleeping on the couch. My girlfriend said she feels I love my followers more than her. After a panicky stare I muttered "only some of em"

When someone tells me smoking is harmful, I throw my cigarette down and say "Serious? There, I've just quit! Quick let's go warn the others!

I just blocked a spam bot reducing my followers back to 99. Most difficult decision of my life.

Tom Cruise took all the fun out of jumping on couches.

If I Fav your sick vulgar twisted tweets, it tells you a little about my character.

Some little girl just called me daddy. I couldn't be sure so stuffed a 100 bucks in her hand and told her to keep her mouth shut.

Have you noticed when a tweep with allot of followers makes a bad joke, everybody stars it, like you would force a laugh in front of the CEO

We need someone more trustworthy to die for our sins next time.

Did you know that in Ethiopia, food is considered a delicacy.

I always say no to drugs but they never seem to listen.

Some girls remind me of my toe. I'll probably end up banging them on the coffey table.

I'm gonna pray then go to bed. And by pray I mean jerking off so violently, it will look as if Barbara Streisand sneezed on the curtains.

The STD I fear the most is sexually transmitted pregnancy.