If I can't choke it to death with my bare hands, then a corporation is not a person.

I live my life by whatever I read on the last bumper sticker I saw.

I prefer the word 'sane' over 'atheist'.

I get to pick out new glasses today. I want some of those rose colored ones that hide the atrocities of man.

Really Adobe Reader? You think you are actually important enough to warrant a restart after installation? Fuck off with you!

Making coffee before I've even *had* any coffee is far too often my greatest accomplishment of the day.

My daughter thought OJ Simpson killed JFK. Fuck yeah, American schools.

Instead of followers let's call each other lions so we can have a little pride.

Know what sounds like hell? Spending eternity with all the assholes that think they're going to heaven.

I wish it was easier to drive while holding both middle fingers in the air.

Tonight I'm gonna party like I'm feeling old and don't want to stay awake till midnight.

Child abuse is a growing epidemic. Donating a tweet isn't going to do shit. Just don't beat your fucking kids, asshole.

I hate when you have the witty banter played out in your head but the person doesn't say what they're supposed to for you to say your line.

My internet connection is so unstable I renamed it Courtney Love.

If you put your ear to a styrofoam cup you can hear the landfill.

Scott Baio isn't dead?? Well I guess I'd better keep stabbing then.

It must have been rad living in the 1950's when you could just haul off and slap someone for being all hysterical.

Funny how smells bring back memories. Like patchouli makes me think of the time I killed all those hippies for wearing that shit.

We all seem to have congregated on our own little Island of Misfit Toys.

Most bibles are soft bound because they're easier to pull out of your ass that way.