Funny how when you smell pot in public your head extends up like a prairie dog and within seconds you determine the location and quality.

Now we're going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news

Why don't you say your phone number a little bit faster so I can listen to your voicemail over and over and still not know wtf you said.

Fuck medical marijuana, there should be parental marijuana.

Dear Fancy Restaurant,
Can I get a straw with my wine? My arm is tired. Fuck it. Make it a crazy straw. Shit's bout to get real.

Every time I bend over, I want you to spank me.

How many times do I have to lock my car before I remember that I locked it?

How I sext: I want you to fuck me, *verify recipient* and cum *verify recipient* all over my mouth *verify recipient* SEND *verify recipient

Had to give my husband a hand job half way through installing the new wii console so he wouldn't freak the fuck out and break it.

Grocery shopping is so quick and easy when you don't actually cook.

Chances are that if you're filling out job applications at a bar, you're not getting the job.

Hey moms, just because we've all had babies doesn't mean we need to talk about it.

I lost my virginity to my fingers.

More hot women should walk around with their top off.

"Daddy, what's that funny smell?"
"Nothing. A candle. Go to bed."

Listen bitch, you got 5 seconds to settle this coupon issue or I'm shoving that 2 for $10 Suave up your ass.

I can't wait until my sex life no longer includes the phrase "Are you sure you locked the door?"

Whenever I feel guilty about how easy my life is I just remember how fucked up my childhood was and how hard it is to really be happy.

This hangover tastes a lot like in-laws.

When deciding whether to keep left over food my first thought is -
Will I want this later when I'm high?