I want my last words to be "Hold My Beer And Watch This"

The only time my wife isn't screaming my name is in the bedroom during sex

Call me a pussy but if I ever came home and Danny Trejo was banging the wife. I would let him finish out of respect and fear!

Hey guys, everyone has a best friend that your kid oddly resembles right?

I think I'm going to start inserting the gas pump in my rectum so I atleast get some sort of enjoyment out of paying $80 for tank of gas

"Dirty Deeds And They're Done With Sheep" if I was the lead singer of AC/DC

Where there is smoke on the water, there is a bong.

I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy

The key to a happy marriage is never come home with body glitter on your clothes

I was suppose to be at work 4 and a half hours ago. That is not good

My 2 year old walks around the house naked & the wife and her friends laugh and say its cute. I do it and I'm the pervert.

I don't know what's worse when I've been drinking. The wife or my damn auto correct!

Getting drunk and watching football. I love multitasking

It sucks being sick. My body feels like I was jumped by a gang of midgets

My superpower is the ability to piss Pepsi Clear after drinking a 12 pk of beer

Screw Morgan Freeman. I want a strip club d.j. to narrate my life.

What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A microwave doesn't brown your meat

Why is it that some of life's greatest mysteries taste so good? For example: Jack In The Box Tacos, Funyuns, Taco Bell & Vagina

Is it just me, or is Rage Against The Machine very angry for a band that makes millions of dollars

When I look at my timeline i don't get that special feeling like when i drink adult beverages, but it is a close second you goofy bastards!