If you're gonna send a cock pic make sure you hit monikka and not mom in your phonebook thats hard to explain

As a matter of fact, Yes my penis did just wink at you.

I just cant help but wonder how CRAZY Sarah Palin is in the sack. Would she let me in the backdoor? Put the dogs in the pool? Call me Papi?

I tried to send all of you something cute for christmas but the mailman ripped the stamp off my ass and told me to get out of the mailbox

My daughter threatened to tie her little brothers penis in a knot if he pee's on the toilet seat again. He threatened to cut her's off

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy

Had a dream that I bought a fleshlight but the damn thing kept making funny noises. Woke up and found my mini dachsund limping and wimpering

I bet Kramer snorting coke out of Normans ass on Sienfeld would get better ratings than monday night football tonight

I feel like a 14 year old pregnant girl. Apperantly being a star whore wont make people like you. Im waiting for love before I star anymore

Things arent really going your way when your own hand falls asleep while jacking off

If I had a dollar for every beautiful woman that has begged me for sex, I would be a broke ass motherfucker

Please tell your tits to stop mentally undressing my eyes.

I wish I had nice tits, not only to fondle and play with but also so I can get what I want. Breast feeding midgets is also a possibility.

Time for bed, you know you're married when you go to bed praying you will have a wet dream and still wake up with dry sheets.

A lady tell me "thank you, you guys are doing a great job" as I started to say thanks she said "for fucking up the traffic, im late now move

Only good thing about workin at night is the hope of a drunk girl driving by and having a fetish for construction workers. Ladies im here!!

I think Jim Henson has an anal fisting fetish.

asking me if those jeans make your ass look big is like me asking if the jeans I have on make my cock look small, really want the answer?

I feel like throwing shit balls at your twitter page. Kind of like a pissed of monkey would do

Maybe I should show my cleavage to get more followers, It looks like a squirrel is taking a nap on my chest.